Have you ever woke up at 6am and promptly had a panic attack? No?
Well, neither have I…until this morning.
As soon as I woke up this morning, I felt absolutely crushed and overwhelmed with anxiety.
The thought of having to do this all over again…the routine, therapies, appointments, stuck with my kids who really aren’t just are not fun to be around right now….it’s…a lot.
On top of PT and speech for both kids, my oldest son has his therapy/counseling appointment today, which I definitely shouldn’t cancel, but it costs $120 per HOUR which, is insane on any day. But I literally can’t afford it. He needs it so badly, as evidenced by some bullshit behavior, and we skipped last week. So canceling isn’t an option. But I mean…shit.
My own therapy tonight (literally the only thing in the world that I have for myself that’s in any way helpful) will only be 1 hour instead of 2…which is really not ideal. It sucks. But it is what it is.
I have to find the time to reapply for health insurance this morning, because of COURSE I put it off until the last day. And I don’t know how to upload “the last 4 paystubs” because we don’t HAVE any paystubs.
Despite my husband going back to work last week, he still hadn’t gotten paid, and probably won’t for another 2 weeks. I am absolutely freaking out about money, haven’t been able to pay any bills, and don’t see it ending any time soon. Everything is just building and building and I can not breathe.
I am feeling so crushed. It feels like NOTHING is going right and nothing is okay. Like nothing will be okay.
I feel like I’m writing this with a sense of urgency, even though that makes no sense. It doesn’t matter how anxious or urgent or literally sick to my stomach I feel about all of my burdens. Nothing is going to change. Money isn’t going to fall into my lap.
My kids health issues aren’t going anywhere.
Nothing is going to change.
So how do I make it stop killing me?
One thing my yoga teacher told me, when I was in a situation where I saw no ending to it, was, “Don’t look for the light at the end of the tunnel. Look for the lesson you are supposed to learn.”
Hugs!
That’s very true. I can easily see the lessons. They’re just not the easiest to swallow 😂