I had a tough night last night. As I’m writing this, I’m sitting in the school drop off line. It’s 7:30am, I already dropped my husband off at work, and I have to be at my neuromuscular doctor by 8am.
It seems like I’ve been doing nothing but driving around the last few days. My husbands car is broken down, so I’ve been driving him to and from work. My son to and from school. And my other 2 kids to their therapy appointments.
I’ve had a few up and down moments of the past few days. I FINALLY booked a flight to go visit my best friend in September, something we’ve been planning for a while. It was stressing me out so badly that I didn’t have flights yet (due to money), but I managed to prioritize that (and use my husbands credit emergency credit card 🙃) and finally book some (insanely cheap, thank you Southwest!) flights.
That was a huge boost for my mood. And it was a genuine relief. Like, I know we’re DEFINITELY going now. And I am soooo excited.
But…Here’s the thing. My best friend lives where we grew up, and in the same exact area as where my birth son lives.
I know it’s been a second since I’ve talked about my birth son, but it’s just…it’s one of those things. It’s the topic that gets me the most emotionally dysregulated.
Anyway. Multiple times over the past year, they’ve made it clear and known that he’s asking about me, that he wants to know me, and that that may be happening soon. The last time we’ve really talked was in April, around his birthday.
But I couldn’t be literally in the same area that he will be in, and not tell his parents. If for no other reason, than to give them the knowledge and options of if they want to use this opportunity for anything. Or even just to grab lunch and catch up!
So I sent them this text. This, very carefully worded text.
Hey! I just wanted to let you know that I will be (in this area) (on these dates). (More in depth detail about on which dates I’ll be in what location). I know life is super chaotic and busy but I just wanted to give you a heads up in case you and (souse) wanted to grab lunch and catch up or anything like that (but I completely understand if that’s not doable). But yeah, I just wanted to let you know my plans
Hope you’re all doing well! (Christian started his first day of first grade this morning so it’s finally a tiny bit quieter today 🤣)
So, we have facts and information clearly laid out. Dates and locations. We have an out (I know life is super chaotic and busy), and another out (but I completely understand if that’s not doable), and we end it on a fun, lighthearted note about my son.
It’s the perfect text. I gave them 2 outs, made it clear that I expect nothing, and I’m purely providing information for them to do with what they please, and a small life update.
I didn’t expect an answer. A huge part of me didn’t want them to want to meet up. That’s too scary.
And the logical part of me knows what’s going on. They’re discussing their options. Which are
1- ignore it.
2 – meet up and catch up, the adults, no pressure and just for fun.
3 – use this as an option for my son to meet me, in his territory, as he’s been requesting for a while now, and use this next month to prepare him.
I sent that text yesterday morning. I thought they’d respond by 9pm, after they had a chance to talk.
9pm came. Nothing. Then 10.
I knew I might not get a response.
Logically, I COMPLETELY understand. I gave them a ton of loaded information in one tiny text, and I know the weight of it.
Logically, I do understand.
But it hurt.
It hurt a fucking lot. Emotionally.
The right answer here, for my birth son, because that’s all I care about, is to take this opportunity. Use this month to prepare him. Have him talk to me on the phone. Work up slowly. And then when I’m already in the area, meet him in his territory in a low pressure environment.
It’s what he wants. So, it does make sense. And I know they are weighing their options, and considering it. They haven’t responded, and that hurts quite a lot.
But logically, I do truly understand the weight of that text.
My heart was not logical last night. It was emotional and hurting. I really thought they’d have some response by late last night. And when that didn’t come…yeah. It hurt.
So I vented hardcore to my people (thanks, people) and tried to not make bad decisions. Which, shockingly, I was successful in.
I’ll leave you with this text I sent my friend late last night, because it was extremely accurate to how I was feeling.
I lost my chill last night for sure. But I didn’t drink more than I should have. And I didn’t do other stupid things. So, as far as bad nights go, it was a great one.
Also, it’s 9am, I’m finally home, and still nothing. I’m upset. But I get it. I don’t have a choice.