Withdrawing….but fighting against it.

It’s been a weird week. Not in a bad way, and I’ve been having a lot of “good” days. I have a huge update post that I’ve already half written, but I also want to write something right now that isn’t just “an update”.

In extremely uncharacteristic fashion for me, I haven’t written in a good few days. I don’t know why exactly…it’s just been hard. I’m feeling very withdrawn, and I’ve absolutely withdrawn from most every aspect of my life. People, writing, thinking….I’m just so very completely shut off.

I’m struggling with words, I’m struggling with people, to be very honest, and I just don’t know how to talk to anyone.

It’s not that I don’t want to. I do. I desperately do. My words have been fighting and fighting for a way out…but they just seem to lose their voice somewhere along the way.

I’ve been doing a lot of traveling these past few weeks, and I’m still with my best friend visiting her. I haven’t been home (aside from one quick night in between travels) in nearly 2 weeks, and it’s just been a lot.

I love the break from “real life”…but to be very honest…it still feels very much like “real life”…but in a very different way. I still have the baby with me, I still have my emotions, I’m still going through regular day to day life…

I don’t know. I’m just really struggling with my words lately.

I’m struggling with a lot of things, and I just don’t know how to get the fuck out of my head.

I’m okay tonight. This week. Last week.

But next week? When all is said and done, real life officially begins once again, my travel is all done and I have nothing left to look forward to? Yeah. I won’t be okay.

I’m withdrawing, and I’m withdrawn. I feel super alone in my head, and shit is absolutely about to hit the fan once I get home in a few days.

I’m here, I’m writing, and I’m possibly beginning to process.

There is so much that has gone unsaid over the past few weeks…so many emotions…so many feelings, and so many experiences. I’m honestly just struggling so hard to allow myself the time and space to process.

Processing means emotions. And I do not feel safe with my emotions right now.

But I’m here.

I have to keep sharing. I have to keep talking.

Because I absolutely promise you…the silence will kill me.

4 thoughts on “Withdrawing….but fighting against it.”

  1. The struggle is real. I have had to put down the pen a couple of times… Getting out of your head now that is another trick! I literally just googled: How to get out of your head and into your heart and one of the suggestions I found was well I will just post link here: https://melissanoelrenzi.com/get-out-of-your-head/
    I really like the suggestion # 2 of Move your body – helping to bring your awareness elsewhere… #1 welcoming your thoughts and emotions – I could see how that might be hard?? But the best part is even though you are struggling you still keep sharing. The best quote I think is from Yoda – “Do, or do not. There is no try”
    Keep on doing. I look forward to hearing about more of your life – the struggles and the happy times. ~ Katerehana

    1. Very true. Sometimes when it gets hard I get very in my head and try too hard, when really just sitting down and doing it is all I need to do.
      I also do like going somewhere else, even just outside or something. So I could see how those help for sure.

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