Lately, nights have been rough. I’ve fallen back into some old, bad habits. Two nights ago, I unintentionally picked a fight with my husband, around 11pm, when he was exhausted and all he wanted to do was go to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning morning, I was still pretty upset about the night before. I didn’t feel loved. Or heard.
In fact, the very cause of the unintentional fight was that I was feeling…particularly unnecessary. And unneeded. When it comes to our family. And I was (and still am) feeling like they’re all better off when I’m not here. Like they all do better, and are happier. And if they’re all happier when I’m not here…why the fuck am I here???
My weird mood continued into the evening when he got home from work last night. I was cold and distant and refusing to allow him to tell me that he loved me.
Because obviously, he doesn’t.
But when I went out to lock up my chickens for the night at nightfall, I saw the moon. It was kind of impossible not to see. If you know me, you know I have a thing about to moon and stars.
My husband must’ve gotten the same feeling about the moon, because his first instinct was also to take a picture. We were both just captivated by it, without saying anything to each other about it.
It was just…I don’t know. It made me pause. And it made me realize that in the grand scheme of things, I’m about thiiiiiiiiiis 🤏 big. None of these things that I feel like are so big and so important actually are. I’m just a tiny, temporary speck in the universe. I’m not entirely sure why I’m here or what I’m doing. But I am here.
And then I thought of my birth son…because of course I did. And I wondered if he saw the moon too. Maybe he did, and maybe he thought it was beautiful, too. No matter where you are, the moon we look at is always the same. And I felt connected to him…for just half of a second.
I allowed myself to be in a better mood when we went back inside. I allowed myself to laugh at a funny show, I let my husband love me, and I just tried to let the heavy feelings go away.
That’s not to say that I was entirely successful…but I at least felt a little better than I did.
Today is finally Friday. Which means that for the first time in about 2 weeks, I don’t have to go ANYWHERE (except dropping off/picking up my son from school). No appointments, no therapies, nothing. And I am so ready for it.
I’m stressed about Monday, because I have to make the 2 hour drive to an appointment doctor appointment for my son…and I don’t feel confident enough to make that drive by myself anymore. But even though I’m stressed about it, I’m just going to focus on Friday.
Yes, things are hard. And stressful. And I can continue to pick fights with my husband and absolutely try to convince him that he doesn’t love me, and that they’re all happier without me.
But I don’t have to do that. Maybe tonight can be a good night. Maybe I can even go into it with a positive outlook.
I don’t always want to feel so heavy.