Everything is fragile.

Today was harder than it should’ve been.

I’ll detail that more tomorrow, I promise.

But today was hard. I got through it…we got through it. It didn’t end it tragedy.

It didn’t end tragically.

Yet, I’m still struggling. Today was triggering. My son’s health was seriously jeopardized.

He’s fine. It’s fine. He’s safe.

But I don’t feel safe right now.

I feel triggered. And hurt. And alone.

I feel like…no matter what had happened tonight…it would’ve ended the same.

With me, alone, sitting on the bathroom floor with all the alcohol I want, and no one to reach out to.

Not because there’s no one there…but simply because of guilt. Guilty to unload myself onto someone else. Fear of burdening them with…me.

Today, I was genuinely afraid my son was going to die.

He’s okay, he’s home.

He’s safe.

And I suppose, I am too.

But I’m shaken.

I feel alone and insecure and just…..fragile. Everything is fragile.

It’s so…so fucking fragile.

There are topics that people don’t understand. And therefore…feel uncomfortable talking about.

My husband included.

Today was scary as fuck.

We’re all fine. We’re all safe….for now. I don’t know what tomorrow brings…

But damn.

Do I feel alone in my experiences sometimes.

And I sure as hell wish I didn’t.

5 thoughts on “Everything is fragile.”

  1. You know, in the last year of her life, my mom always, ALWAYS lamented her inability to do the things she once could and often told me how much of a burden she felt like. In the end, she gave up. Yes, taking care of my mom along with all the other things in my life at the time was a challenge, but never a burden. I would gladly care for her still if she were here, because I love her and want her here.

    The point is: I know how it feels to bottle it all up and suffer alone so as not to “burden” others. But being on the other side of things gave me a different perspective. I know it’s easier said than done, and it’s something I’m working on through therapy, but you must confide in someone. If that person truly cares and loves you, they will not feel burdened.

    You are not a burden.

    I’m so very sorry for what happened and I’m glad everyone is okay. Please find someone in whom to confide. If not for you, then for your children. After all, you can’t care for them if you’re not caring for yourself.


    1. It’s definitely better to share your things with other people. Keeping it in is impossibly lonely and not practical for a healthy life. That’s very true.

      Some things are just…hard. And scary. Like, being terrified that my baby is going to die. I’ve gotten a LOT better at sharing the hard parts of myself, but sometimes, I still feel like some things are too big.

      1. I know. Well…I don’t know, but I can imagine. Sounds like you have people. Your husband is going through this, too, and maybe having the same feelings and fears. Maybe talking about it with him can help you both.

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