Feelings, feelings, feelings. And snow days.

This post ends up going a lot of places that I didn’t expect to talk about. It’s a hard one…but a good one.

It’s been a “snow day” kind of week here in Texas. And by that, I mean, it got really cold. And sort of snowed. And the state shut down.

No work, no school, no therapies, no one drives…nothing.

So, we all stayed home yesterday. And I spent the majority of the day outside trying to make sure my 20 chickens and 5 ducks were ok. It’s been like 20° for the past few days, and they’re just not used to that. So they’ve been my priority.

Right now it’s 13°, and once again, we’re all home for the day.

The kids had a great day yesterday. They played in the “snow”, drank hot chocolate, and etc.

Unfortunately for me, my therapy was another thing that was canceled. Well, in person, at least. It wasn’t really safe to drive, especially at night. The roads were all ice. So, we switched to telehealth.

And let me tell you.

It’s just not the same. It’s hard. And I do not love it.

It was a better alternative to canceling, that’s for sure.

But it was weird. And hard.

My husband was there, but he wasn’t there. He was in the room, which I didn’t mind at all. We discussed it beforehand. We’ve had many situations like this in the past, where telehealth therapy was what was happening. Covid, snowstorms, etc. It happens. So it wasn’t so far out of the norm that we didn’t know what to do about it.

Yet…still. It felt…..incomplete.

I had therapy, but not really. My husband was there, but also not really. He was in the room and listening, chimed in when he needed/wanted to, but he wasn’t exactly a part of it either.

It just…yes, I technically did still have therapy. But it just didn’t feel right. And I knew it wouldn’t. It’s just, literally, not the same.

Things feel really weird right now. Bear with me here while I try to explain it.

I can tell things are getting better. Compared to where I was a few years ago, I am better.

There’s a particular memory I have that’s associated with snow days. It was a few years ago, we had a ton of snow, and it was just…it’s a hard memory.

I spent that entire day drunk. Because all of my days were spent that way. And when I look at pictures of myself from that day, I can tell. And I’m just immediately brought back there. I understand that person. I am that person.

Yesterday, my husband and I spent the day together. We ate spinach and mushroom calzones and had taco pizza rolls at 9:30 in the morning when the baby took his nap. Then we watched a movie together. The Barbie movie, specifically. I HATE movies. Something about movies and adhd that doesn’t do good things to my brain. But we did anyway. And it wasn’t bad.

I gave the kids hot chocolate, and did my best to make it a good day for them. With good memories.

I didn’t spend it drunk. Or fighting with my husband. It was a good day.

So, I know things are better. And I know I’m better.

But things are also really hard right now. They’re…fragile.

Yesterday, like literally 10 minutes before I had fake computer therapy, my best friend told me something that isn’t bad news at all, but something that gives me a lot of complicated feelings. And it leaves me feeling really…I don’t know. Maybe insecure is the right word. I just don’t know how things will change. And that terrifies me.

We also have some huge, probably life changing, things coming up with our trip to the NIH in a few weeks.

And I KNOW that that will undoubtedly change things. A ton. It will stress my marriage, because it will essentially take a fucking hammer to my mental health and smash it into a billion tiny, jagged pieces. Trust me.

I feel fragile right now. And I feel really alone in it. It was different not going to therapy. And it super sucks having to wait an entire week to actually go, when things are feeling so fragile and broken right now. And especially when time is soooo limited before this really fucking huge thing that I have to do.

I don’t know who to lean on for support. But I feel like I’m falling. And I need to lean somewhere.

When I compare apples to apples and snow days to snow days…it’s clear how I have grown. And therapy is probably, definitely, the biggest contributing factor to that. I don’t know if she knows that, or can see the differences (trust me, they can be subtle), but it’s true.

I crawled out of a really fucking deep and dark hole that I was trapped in for years. Maybe I didn’t crawl completely out…but at least I’m not in the deepest, darkest part anymore.

But I’m scared of falling back down. I’m scared of ending right back up there. I’m not sober. I’m not perfect. All I am is a broken person, faced with an impossibly hard next few months.

The NIH, adoption stuff, just…a lot. A lot of grief and bad feelings and…a lot of changes that I’m just finding out about.

I feel the pull to end up in the place that absolutely should’ve killed me. I can see the path there. And it scares me. It really does.

I’d be lying if I said that I was confident about these next few months. Pretty much from right now, right this moment, until the end of May…it’s going to be rough. And hard.

I don’t know how to get through it alone. And I think I’m really just feeling scared. Of all of it.

I’ll leave you with these. Pictures from 3 years ago, January 10th, 2021. Maybe you can see the broken in this girl, maybe you can’t. But I assure you. This day in particular has stood out in my mind for a few years now. And there’s a reason for it.