The past 3 nights, I’ve tried doing things a bit differently than I have been doing like, for more than half of my life.
And while it’s been absolutely brutal and painful and basically horrible in most every way, I’m still going to do it.
At least for now.
You know how I’ve been feeling like crap physically and had some scary health stuff going on? Well they told me I have pneumonia (even though I was never sick sick and never had any symptoms but okay whatever).
I finally started taking antibiotics for it last Sunday.
And oh boy. Let me tell you. I am extremely sensitive to just about all medications of not just flat out allergic to them. And the antibiotic my doctor has me on for the “pneumonia” has just taken me outtttt. Mostly in the mornings, but the nighttime dose was rough at first too.
I don’t know if that had anything to do with it, or if was just a helpful excuse, but there was one night a few nights ago, Tuesday night I think, that I just…didn’t want to drink.
I made it, I poured it, I had a few sips…and then it just sat there. I didn’t want it.
Even MORE shocking…I told my husband that I was tired and wanted to go to bed.
Guys. It was like, maybe 9:30. I’m the person that struggles to commit to going to sleep before 1am!!!
Needless to say, he was ecstatic, and we went to sleep early (and sober).
The next night was the same thing. I had half of my drink, and then just wanted to go to sleep.
Last night I drank almost my entire first drink instead of just a few sips, but still not the entire thing, which is still a huge difference from what I typically drink every night. Usually every night is multiple drinks, not just one. And certainly never less than one.
I still didn’t want to be awake, so I wanted to just go to sleep and be done with the night. By last night, my husband was over me wanting to go to sleep early lol but was trying to be supportive anyway.
I have felt like absolute shit these past few days. And stupidly, I had no idea why until last night.
Obviously, I’ve been going through withdrawals, and I failed to connect the 2 things until last night when I just kept feeling worse and worse and worse.
I probably have been doing this on a timeline that is less safe and smart than I should be, but here’s the thing.
I’ve been keeping a secret from you! (No, I am not pregnant, so please don’t jump there like everyone else does.)
In 14 days, I can fill you in. And ohhhh am I excited about it. Terrified and anxious about it? Yes. But it is (supposedly) a fun and happy thing…so…that’s what I’m going to keep in my head about it.
Anyway, this secret that I’m keeping is a huge part of the reason, bigger than any other motivation that I have, to suddenly stop drinking, or at least significantly decrease it.
I don’t know when or if my withdrawal symptoms will go away, or if they’ll just get bad enough than I’m so desperate to make them stop that I tend to end up drinking twice as much as usual just to feel better, which will then make me feel worse, I’ll hate myself, and the cycle will continue.
For today, yes, I feel completely miserable physically and mentally. Another wonderful gift from alcohol.
But I’m also…maybe…just a tiny bit proud of myself.
And I’ll use that ounce of motivation to keep me moving forward.
I think.
Hopefully.
