Tonight has been one trigger after another, after another. It doesn’t matter what the fuck the cause was. Or the result, or the aftermath. Or even the aftermath of the aftermath. Because it was all wrong. And it was all fucked up. Be it the events of the week (my appointment with my neuromuscular doc […]
Damn. I hate phases of life like this. Where the dark feels impermeable, the hope is completely nonexistent, and the way out doesn’t seem to exist. I’ve been lying and bullshitting my way through the days these past few weeks. Showing up and trying to shove the depression monster down. But at night, it just
Depression Monster Read More »
Dear universe, and the people who live in it… Where are you? When I need you, too…where do you go? I know where I am when you need me…and it’s right there. I’m right there. If you need me, I’m here. When you need a shoulder, when you need advice…when you need support…I’m there. I’m
Dear depression, First of all, get the FUCK out of here. You’re nothing but a liar, a thief, and a critic. When you’re here, it doesn’t matter what else exists. What, you’re gonna tell me that my life isn’t worth it? That my life isn’t worth living? That I’m not worth fighting for? Bitch, get
Failure has this way of compounding on itself. Becoming the biggest thing in the room…when maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t as big as we originally gave it credit for. Right now, my failure is loud. And it’s giving an even louder voice to my insecurities. My insistence on giving up, on giving in. I’ve convinced
The unjust power of failure Read More »
Sometimes…the conversations that hit the hardest are quick, short lived, and completely unexpected. It’s around 10pm. It’s a typical night here, and I’ve made a few drinks according to my specific plan and routine I have for myself. I made a drink, but left it across the room. A few minutes later, I was looking
Real conversations when you need them the most Read More »
It doesn’t matter what yesterday’s mistakes were. It doesn’t matter what you felt like last week or last month. If you’ve messed up along the way, if you wished you did a little better, if you’ve had a few missteps. None of that matters. What matters is right now. This second. And the one after
More so than the days, the nights are filled with layers. Not only does the silence allow the emotions to become louder, more real, and ever so present…but the physical pain kicks up too. This is a season of hurt. It’s a flare up like a flare up I haven’t had in a while. Pain
I swear. Every time I think I’m up on some kind of success. Every time I string a couple of good days together. It doesn’t last too long…but a whole lot longer than I ever thought I’d be capable of achieving. And I should be proud of those moments. Of that string of hours. Or
Today was another day that started off at 5am for an early morning road trip to Dallas. The kids had yet another specialist appointment, but luckily, we made good time and didn’t get caught up in traffic. We make it home by 11:45, which definitely isn’t the worst day. I put my youngest down for
Day 3. And does it even matter? Read More »
