That’s the phrase going around in my head right now. Like a child throwing a tantrum. I don’t want to do what’s right, what’s hard…what’s “good”. I want to do what feels good. What feels good right now. Not next week, not next month, I want to feel good right now. I want what’s easy, …
I don’t want to do what’s hard, I want to do what feels good. Read More »
I wonder if anyone knows what it feels like to hate themselves as much as I do. I wonder if anyone knows what it’s like to want to die, about as much as I do right now. To want to give in…give up. I wonder if it’s “normal” to feel as much as I do, …
I’m struggling tonight, as I knew I would. With nightfall comes the dark thoughts, and with that comes the intense desire to drink. I’ve been distracting myself from it for hours now. Writing, watching shows, reading…but the more I fight it, the louder the voices get. But that’s not who I want to be. How …
Another night, laying awake. While most people count sheep, she counts bad decisions. “Actions have consequences”. The words she reminds her son echoing in her head, as if she didn’t already know them to be true. It wasn’t a bad day. She didn’t do anything wrong or hurt anyone, she nearly never does. Yet still, …
Why do all the demons choose to confront me when the rest of the world is sleeping? Why do the nightmares threatening to overcome, prevent sleep from ever becoming a reality? Am I really so undeserving of the peaceful promise of sleep? It seems to come so easily for everyone else…yet for me, it’s an …
Dear universe, please help me. I feel so scared and alone right now. Everything hurts and I feel like there’s no way out but…out. I’m losing ground in a battle that isn’t mine to win. I feel like I’m drowning, and instead of sending lifeboats, people are throwing rocks. Universe, I don’t ask of much …
I’m not going to do it. But I really, really, fucking want to. I need to drink. It’s a need, it really is. It’s more than a want. I’m triggered, I’m hurting, and I want it to stop. I want the only thing that will make it better. People have a drink on occasion while …
I am feeling…particularly down tonight. I’m feeling every kind of hopeless that there is. I’m overwhelmed with so much fucking numbness and insane grief and pain all at once. Grief over the current situation that I’m in (my birth sons birthday coming up next week), and the future ones that I’ll endure (my kids likely …
Hour 1- 8:40pmI’ve already pushed it 1 hour and 49 minutes. The pain is intense. The headache, she shakiness, the pounding heart. I need to do this slowly. I need to taper. One drink tonight. I’m only 3 weeks, 1 day. I found out as early as possible to give myself the best chance before …
Anxiety when it makes no sense. But really, if you look at it…it makes perfect sense. Anxiety when you feel useless. Anxiety when you don’t feel good enough. When you feel like no one cares. When all you feel is alone. Anxiety. Panic. Isolation.Fear. Whatever it feels like…whatever you call it…does it really matter? It’s …