Depression Monster

Damn. I hate phases of life like this. Where the dark feels impermeable, the hope is completely nonexistent, and the way out doesn’t seem to exist.

I’ve been lying and bullshitting my way through the days these past few weeks. Showing up and trying to shove the depression monster down.

But at night, it just grows and grows and becomes this all consuming, ever powerful bullshit of a creature that is pretty intent and insistent on destroying everything in its path.

No matter what I do at night lately, it all seems to fall apart. Go to sleep early one night to try to make the next one better? Then the next one is just as bullshit and something ends up going wrong. Staying up until 1am being upset about it and fighting the demons telling me to give up and end it all. Being exhausted the next day because sleep didn’t happen. Get upset that night because I’m exhausted from the day before. And all I fucking need is to have a GOOD night so I can be recharged and functional enough for the next day.

The rough nights I’ve been having these past few weeks has taken an enormous toll on me. I feel exhausted and depleted and just honestly really hopeless.

The most defeating part of all of it is that it has nothing to do with alcohol. I’ve been drinking a lot less than normal, and still feeling like absolute complete shit. I guess I always hope that if I drink less, everything should always automatically get better. And that just really isn’t the case.

I feel so defeated and so small. I’m emotionally burnt out and I just don’t know how to fix it.

I’d be lying to you if I said that all of the events of last week, and the stress leading up to it, had nothing to do with to it. I know it’s taken a huge emotional toll on me, and it’s affected me on some pretty deep levels.

My husband going through his own phase of not communicating particularly effectively is absolutely not helping, and actually it’s the biggest thing triggering my own feelings of whatever it is that I’m feeling.

It’s neither of our faults, I think we’re both just doing the best that we can, and sometimes our weaknesses just decide to show up at the same time.

That’s really what it is. Sometimes our weaknesses show up at the same time, and it just leads to me having extra feelings instead of getting over it faster and more effectively, I guess.

We talked it out last night for a while and he made me feel more heard than I’ve been feeling. I think tonight will be better.

I also can’t afford my medicine right now, so that’s really definitely just not helping at all. The fact that I don’t have insurance and my pharmacy stopped taking GoodRx just really killed me. So my motivation is completely gone and I just feel really super blah. It’s only $85 out of pocket, which normally we can handle, but right now it isn’t an option. So it’s been a good 2 weeks of hell for me just on that front alone.

All the kids are home from school today, and we’ll see about tomorrow.

The last snowstorm that hit Texas juuuust missed us to the north, and this one is going to just miss us to the south. That makes me super sad. We might get an inch on the outskirts of it all, but I just wish we could be in the areas getting 4-6 inches of proper snow. We’ll probably get some freezing rain or sleet, and it’ll all freeze up overnight, and that’ll be what closes school in the morning.

I don’t mind the kids being home and having a “snow day”…I just wish if could be for some proper SNOW instead of just frozen surfaces.

Anyway, that’s how Im feeling today. Just really fucking BLAHHHHHH.

We did finish the new goat shelter yesterday, and we worked outside in freezing temps literally all day. It took a lot out of both of us, but it feels to be finished with it. (Despite the one roofing panel we were short because the store didn’t have enough in stock.)

I’m trying to shove the depression monster back where it belongs today, which is nowhere in sight. I’ve been more successful during the days than I have been at nights. But I’m just so hoping that tonight is a different story. If it snows any at all here, it’ll probably be enough to get me out of this funk.

Think snowy thoughts for me here in East Texas, just slightly too north to get the meat of the storm. Unless it shifts up at all. 🤞

I wish I could spend all day crocheting and reading. Unfortunately, I can’t do both at the same time, even if I had all the time and quietness in the world. Still, I wouldn’t mind a day of peace and self care and not having to do things I don’t *want* to do.