Tonight, you’re telling me to drink more. And more…and more. You’re telling me that I’m not worth it. You’re telling me that I should give in, give up. You are trying to convince me that I’m not lovable, that in fact, my husband laying next to me is a liar for trying to convince me […]
Dear intrusive thoughts, Read More »
I thought it would be okay. It thought it wouldn’t happen again. But it did, and it happened worse. He touched me, he kissed me, he assaulted me. He put his hands on me. Under my clothes…inside me. These are not unclear circumstances, and I am not okay. If I was unclear before, if I
He assaulted me again, and tonight I am not unclear. Read More »
Dear nightmares, What will you bring tonight? What version of the world will you choose to inscribe within my mind? Do you have me screaming out in horror? Do you have me attacking the innocents sleeping soundly next to me? Why? Why me? How many more nights does my husband have to put up with
Some nights feel too heavy. Some nights feel to dark, too lonely. It’s not the nights that are the sole problem. The nights are a reflection of the days. Rarely in my life have I felt as I did this week, these past few weeks. I don’t want this, the burden, the loneliness. Sometimes I
When you just need a hug Read More »
The last drink of the night. At least it should be. The thoughts are creeping in. I know if I close my eyes, they’ll invade completely. Finishing this drink, topping it off, makes the thoughts stop. I can’t ever fall asleep. Can’t close my eyes. Finishing this drink will ensure the choice is no longer
Passing out is easier Read More »
I feel used. I feel unsteady, I feel forgotten. Anxiety has taken its roots. The voices that scream I’m unworthy, unlovable, unnecessary. The voice that’s louder than any other. What’s the point in feeling if there’s there’s no where to go but down? What is the point in talking if all you are is wrong?
A fight. A disagreement. An argument. Tension. It doesn’t matter why. I’m not getting what I need, neither is he. He doesn’t know my half of it though, he doesn’t know what happened. I’d never be strong enough to tell him. I can feel where this is going. This is an all too familiar feeling.
I have a bad feeling about tonight. All day I’ve felt a certain sense of disconnect. Alone, isolated, panicked. It will be a night of bad choices, I can feel it from now. I could feel it brewing since last night. Drinking feels like the only way to ease this anxiety. I need love, a
Feeling disconnected Read More »
When your “few nights a week” turns into every night, is it starting to be too much? When your typical 2 drinks a night turns into 3, is it too much then? What about when your (now typical) 3 drinks a night are getting stronger and stronger, is it too much now? When your drink
How much is too much? Read More »
I still don’t understand this. If my days convince me it wasn’t that bad, it wasn’t a big deal, and that it was in fact nothing, why do my nights tell me so very drastically otherwise? It either was or it wasn’t. How could there be a grey area? Sober(ish) me is convinced that I’m
