Lately, I have been feeling particularly trapped and defeated in this seemingly impossible life of mine. Everything that I’m currently going through and having to deal with feels incredibly…..fragile, handle with care, if you will. I don’t want to talk about it, because frankly, I suck at verbally expressing myself on any given day, and […]
If only drinking could fix it…but it can’t. Read More »
One of the things that I struggle with is anticipatory grief. Basically, it’s the feelings of grief occurring before the loss, or whatever hardship it is coming up. It’s a valid thing, and it’s real, but it sucks. Yesterday, in therapy, I guess we focused a bit on that. With my birth sons birthday coming
I had honestly hoped, as shitty as the situation was, that things could eventually become.. better. I thought things could…possibly one day resemble some sort of normalcy. Although I knew I might never forgive you, I tried to convince myself that maybe I could try. Because regardless of the shit that you did to me
Dear rapist, haven’t you taken enough from me? Read More »
I wish I felt good enough. I wish I felt like you cared. I’m sorry that ever went away. I wish I felt like I wasn’t so alone. Like I had someone on my side, helping me find my footing. I wish things didn’t turn to shit when they did. And I wish last night
The theme of this week, this year even, it seems…is difficult conversations. Things that have never needed to be said, yet need saying anyway. This has been a week of confrontation, but not in a bad way. Difficult conversations, gentle confrontation, a resist to the natural reaction of me running away… It’s all hard. It
Just because it’s difficult, doesn’t mean it’s bad. Read More »
Does it exist? Is there hope, or potential, or even the slightest, most remote possibility that this part of me can ever be healed? Shit, healed is a stretch. I’d be elated with functional. This part of life shouldn’t hurt. The part where someone who is safe and loving…loves you. You shouldn’t be afraid. You
Do the broken parts always stay broken? Read More »
Every…however often it is…things seems to feel worse. The shift is subtle, and usually, no one would be able to tell. But there’s one area where the shift becomes incredibly blatant and apparent. I don’t smile, I don’t want to be touched, I’m not going to pretend to be happy for your benefit…I’m exhausted all
When physical touch makes you cringe Read More »
Tonight you won. Really, your battle began this morning. I’m wiped, I’m exhausted, and I’m hurt. So this will be short. I struggle to defeat you. It feels laughable to even consider it a possibility. Defeat may not, may never be a choice…..but perhaps an occasional victory could be? Tomorrow I’ll face the physical demons
Dear alcohol and the one who thinks he owns me, Read More »
There is so much going on in my life right now, and it can all be summed up by 1 word – complicated. Every single aspect of my life has been defined by me and everyone else as “complicated”. My kids health? COMPLICATED. My past and trying to come to grips with that all while
How do you tell a story when you don’t even understand it? Read More »
When you ask me how I am, and I tell you that “I’m fine, I always am”. Do you hear the sarcasm masking my screams of agony? When you ask if I’m okay (if you even ever do) and I give a snarky smirk and response of “hah. Of course I’m fine.” Do you ever
I wonder if you hear me Read More »