One of the things that I struggle with is anticipatory grief. Basically, it’s the feelings of grief occurring before the loss, or whatever hardship it is coming up. It’s a valid thing, and it’s real, but it sucks.
Yesterday, in therapy, I guess we focused a bit on that. With my birth sons birthday coming up next week, and just everything else going on…I guess I was feeling just a tad more suicidal than usual. I mean…whatever. It is what it is.
But what she said made sense. Yeah, shit sucks, but all I can do is take it one day at a time. Focus on today. What are you going to do today. Don’t think about tomorrow or next week or anything else. So, that’s what I did. Yesterday, I focused on yesterday. And I got through it. Today, I’m trying to do the same.
This morning, I wrapped his presents and got them in the mail. His package should get to him by his birthday, which is always the goal. Then I cleaned up some things that have needed tidying for a while. I am trying to make buy focus even smaller today. Not just on “today”, but focusing on right now. Because frankly….tonight is going to be horrible. And I do not want to focus on that.
In case you missed it, you can refer back to the drama and heartache that I’m dealing with here, when I told my family members (and the person that has sexually assaulted me numerous times) that I’m (happily) pregnant. It was a shit show and a disaster. It’s been about 3 weeks since that happened, and I have not seen him or spoken to him since then. Thank God.
But, of course, for whatever reason, my parents invited them over for a fire outside and drinks (not for me) at my house. And I’m obligated to make an appearance. My husband is….understandably upset. He has no interest in showing his face after how he was treated, and I don’t blame him. I don’t want to either.
And lets not forget, that every time this individual is “welcomed” into my house (by others, not by me), he comes inside and into MY room and MY space, and assaults me. So…to say I’m a little bit flipping out about tonight…that would be an understatement. I don’t think I’ve ever actually written about that night in any kind of detail. Shit. Maybe I should one day. It was brutal.
Anyway. Today, “one day at a time” is too much. It’s too big. When the day itself is hard like today will be, focusing on the day at large just won’t work. Today, I have to take it minute by minute. I have to keep myself safe, physically and mentally. This next week will be hard and heartbreaking to get through. It just will be.
Tonight is going to be…at best, it will be unpleasant. At worst….well, at worst it will end with things happened to me that I’d rather die than have happen to me ever again. And he has an excuse. He might want to talk to me alone. He’ll try to get me alone, so he can “apologize”. It won’t look suspicious, and it would make me look like the asshole not to “allow him to apologize”, when really, I know it’s not about that.
I’m afraid for tonight. I’m afraid for what will happen if he does try to get me alone and if anything were to happen. I have enough going on to deal with any other pain.
I’m already broken, and I can’t stand to lose any more pieces of myself.
All I can do to get through today, and the next week, is to break it down, and take it in small chunks. An hour at a time if I have to. Don’t look ahead, just keep going, just keep focusing on what is right in front of me.
Tonight will hurt. Even at best, it will hurt. The next week will be brutal and just completely heartbreaking, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
One day at a time, one hour at a time, one breath at a time. Whatever it takes…I just need to get it done.
Even if it feels impossible.