As much as I wish I could successfully ignore things, as much as I wish I could just…wish the pain away, sometimes you just can’t. Sometimes shit just sucks and there’s really not much anyone can do about it.
That’s where I’m at now. Right now in my life, shit just plain old sucks. And I can’t change a single damn thing to make it better.
My kids are declining…quickly. Therapy days are always the hardest when you can see the progression of disease happening shockingly fast. Those days always end with some fun conversations with their therapists. Today was one of those days.
There’s just nothing I can do about that but sit back and watch it unfold. It’s horrifying. To watch as your body betrays you…I know because I’m going through the same thing. Fucking genetic disorders.
I can’t change it, but I can be there for them. We can create as many magical moments and memories along the way as life will allow us. I can’t fix it, but I can slow down. I can stop rushing. Or at least, I can try.
There is nothing I can do about the fact that I got raped, sexually assaulted, whatever the fuck you want to call it, less than a week ago. I have so many feelings about that…don’t even get me started. But again…I can’t change it. It happened. It’s miserable, and life changing and horrific, and thats it. It sucks. It really just does.
The one thing that helps?
When life is so bad, when things just simply suck and thats all there is to it, there is something that will always matter. Someone being there, feeling heard, accepted, just not being so alone in it. I don’t know about anyone else, but for me…it’s the only thing that helps.
Like…my kids are probably not going to live as long as we want them to. It fucking sucks. Please be there with me through it. Please love me through it and just exist with me.
I was assaulted (I really hate that “r” word), please hug me and never let go and tell me it wasn’t my fault. Please allow me the space to be fucking PISSED OFF about it, but also just so, so broken and scared. That’s what I need.
Life is hard. Community makes it better. I promise, it does. It’s so hard for me to admit vulnerability and pain, but damn. Lately life has just beaten me down.
Sometimes things are just bad. I don’t know how to get through all of this most days, and I still wish I could tell someone. I wish I could be open…as open as I want to be, about it. There are so many unspoken emotions and feelings that I hold back, that I never give any credit to. But I can’t keep doing that. I have been literally, physically sick these past few days…since that thing happened..and I know it’s from the stress of it all. From holding it all in.
I just need someone to walk with me, someone to sit in the suck for just a few minutes with me. Just so I can catch my breath and feel a little bit less alone in this often cold and unforgiving world.