I cried in therapy today, just not my own

Tuesday’s are OT days (occupational therapy) for the boys. Usually it’s a light, fun time where everyone is (most often) in a good mood. Including me. I rarely show emotion in general, but even if I seem a little off, their therapist will notice and call me out on it. I guess that’s what happens when you see someone nearly daily for 4 years. They get to know you a little too well.

I knew I wasn’t feeling strong when I was fighting back the tears while driving there, already I felt defeated. I could’t get the images out of my mind…the feeling of him on me. Stuck on repeat like an old busted tape.

I got there and she could tell I wasn’t right. I think I forced a smile a little too hard. She asked me if I was okay and I said I was. But she kept asking and honestly, I wanted to tell her. But it didn’t seem right. I am not her problem.

A little later during the second hour, my older sons turn, I was really feeling weak and out of it. I was so in my own head I didn’t even realize what was going on around me.

My son cut out a circle all by himself (and did a pretty great job!) which is difficult for a 4 year old, but especially difficult when you body betrays you.

He and the therapist both got excited and looked up at me to join in their excitement, as I normally do. But I didn’t even notice, and when they both looked at me I had tears in my eyes, begging my body to keep fighting them back. Ultimitely I did…but it was noticeable.

I feel flayed. I feel exposed and I just… Those moments keep replaying in my head. I keep being thrown right back there, to that night.

It sucks, but I need to be better. I need to be stronger. It seems stupid that I even have to be strong right now, because really, all I want to do is just fall apart and melt into a puddle of uselessness and just hide. But I can’t do that. I’m a parent. I have little humans who need me to function.

So I will.

I don’t want to miss out on any more cut out circles.

1 thought on “I cried in therapy today, just not my own”

  1. Such a good quote. The ironic thing is that sometimes we can see the logic, recognize it, know it’s true, but emotion wins out anyway. That is how it is especially with mental illness. I think the emotion needs to be recognized and allowed to play out because it is just as real as the logic.

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