My day was…it wasn’t a good one. Actually, it was, until it just wasn’t anymore.
Today was a rare day where we didn’t have anywhere to go. No therapies or appointments, no schedule to keep but my own.
Everyone was in a good mood, a rarity by itself. But then it went downhill. One of my kids decided that a happy, easy, good day was no longer acceptable.
For no external reason other than whatever goes on in a child’s mind, he started acting up. And when I ignored him, he escalated. He continued escalating to the point where I couldn’t ignore it anymore, so I calmly picked him up and put him in his room, and told him he could rejoin us when he calms himself down.
He then proceeded to…well, I’m not quite sure. But with the noises I heard, I’m pretty sure there was an exorcism going on in there. That’s the only explanation I have for it. I went into his room and, again, very calmly, explained to him that this behavior doesn’t get him anything. It doesn’t get him attention or the thing he’s demanding.
He calmed himself down relatively quickly and effectively, and we were both proud of him for doing that. But it was definitely the most dramatic he’s ever been.
I’m not mad about the situation. He’s a kid, and this happens. Frankly, I’m shocked that this is a rarity and that it doesn’t happen more often.
But it took a lot out of me emotionally.
Minutes after my son calmed himself down, literally less than 3 minutes later, my husband walks in the door hours earlier than he’s expected, and he’s got Starbucks in his hand. (Cue massive feelings of elation and relief.)
I was laughing to myself, and my son said the very thing I was thinking out loud:
“Daddy’s home!!!!!!!! Wow! It’s a good thing I calmed myself down before he got home. Right, mommy?”
Seriously. I would have felt so bad for my husband. He’s all happy and coming in the door early to surprise us and spend time with us, with Starbucks specifically to make me smile. I am so glad he walked in when everything was calm and level again, rather than him walking into an actual demonic exorcism that was apparently happening within my child.
Everything got better and I finally get the kids to bed, ready to start our Friday night together. Then my parents decide to be jerks (we don’t have a great relationship and they take a lot out on me) which then causes me to have a panic attack.
My kids are in bed, so I no longer have that need to keep my emotions in check. Anxiety takes over, probably emphasized in part by what happened earlier.
The night hasn’t even begun, and I already desperately want to turn to alcohol to numb all of this.
My anxiety has calmed down slightly since I started writing, but the urge to self medicate is still strong.
Today was hard, there’s no denying that. But it also had a few good moments.
I still have my coffee from before when my husband brought it home. Maybe instead of self medicating with alcohol, I can find comfort in hot, delicious coffee instead.
At least for the next hour or so, anyway.
I want to have a good night with my husband. I want to let him love me in the ways that he wants to without pushing him away. I deserve that. He deserves that.
Today was rough, but I’m not going to let it steal my night from me.
At least not yet. Let’s see what alcohol has to say about it once it joins the party in…..71 minutes. (Not that I’m counting.)
But tonight, at least for now, and for as long as I can…I’m choosing to not let outside forces win. I can be stronger than that.