If there’s one thing I know to be true, it’s that eventually, the dam always breaks. You can try to run from it, you can try to build it up, make it stronger, but no matter what…the pressure keeps building, and soon enough, it will break.
That’s what depression and anxiety is like, for me anyway. I try to hold it back, hide it, suppress it…and just hope that no one notices. That it will go away. But it never does. Ignoring the problems never solves anything, and it never helps.
I spent the majority of yesterday paying the price that comes when the dam finally does break. I spent, literally hours, crying and folding laundry. It was definitely my most glamorous mom moment of the week.
It felt like I would never be okay again. Like I was just so stuck in this life of mine that I’m not happy with, and no matter what I do or how hard I try, I’ll never really progress. I’ll never succeed, I’ll never have happiness.
It’s the kind of panic that takes your breath away and makes it impossible to breathe or calm down or, function in any kind of acceptable way. So, I just folded laundry. At least I could be somewhat productive and normal looking if my kids would have noticed. They were very busy building their train tracks, however, and blissfully unaware of the world around them. As they should be. Let them be little.
You know when you’re trying to hold yourself together, and you can feel it coming, you really can, you know it’s right there. But it’s not a good time, it never is. There’s never a good time for the emotions you’ve worked so hard to suppress to come spilling out of you. But it does anyway, and you just can’t stop it.
Yesterday, I couldn’t stop it.
The dam broke. I didn’t feel any better afterwards, I just felt fucking tired. I don’t often have days like that. Actually, they’re extremely rare. Which perhaps means it was much overdue.
I feel weaker today, numb almost, and just as tired. I haven’t been eating, simply because when I feel these emotions so intensely, I lose any appetite I might have had. Today marks 14 weeks pregnant, and I know I need to take better care of myself, which means eating even if I’m too emotionally drained for it.
My husband, being the amazing person that he is, recognized my struggle yesterday and today and stepped up in the ways that he could to support me. I always appreciate when he notices and he acts. It makes me feel seen and supported, both of which I desperately need.
Today I’ll spend the day rebuilding my dam, trying to strengthen it, and hope I find the strength to function within my pain. Maybe that’s just what we call a self care day, or a mental health day, I don’t fucking know.
My dam broke, I feel like I’m drowning, and it feels like there’s nothing in place to prevent this from happening again.
It’s one of those days where i just want to lay on the floor and hide from the world. Just hide until I’m strong enough to face it, until I can find the strength within myself to be okay again.
Or maybe it’s just okay to be weak sometimes. I really don’t know.
Either way, today I’m just going to focus on the next minute. One minute at a time.
Today, that’s all I can give. And that’s okay.
I soooo know this… Only when it breaks for me, I start eating until I burst… I shove all I can find in my big mouth in order to try to focus on that instead of all the dreadful emotions I’m struggling with then. I try to drown those emotions with food, which of course never really helps in the end and often only makes me feel worse. 😔 But I keep doing it, like I’ll never really learn.
Glad your husband recognized it and stepped in! Must be a delight to have someone with you that cares and tries to help.
Some days, I really do miss having a supportive partner, someone to support me, to care and protect me, when I’m weak and fragile.
Hopefully you can mend your dam and this time, not let the pressure get too high so it won’t break again. 🤗
Yes, it definitely helped having him in those moments. It hasn’t always been like that though, it took a lot of work to get to that place with him.
If I wasn’t pregnant, my go to would definitely have been drinking. So I understand completely what it’s like to rely on food or substance to deal with things like that. It’s a hard cycle to break, it really is.
I’m glad you’re able to steer away from the alcohol! And of course it may have taken some time before your husband knew what to do, but he learned and he’s helping and that’s so important now! I do hope that the pregnancy will be able to shoe you that you don’t always need alcohol to cope. I hope my mind will learn that food is not the answer either. It’s hard, I know! Especially if it’s always been the way… I’ll just keep working out and hopefully, some day, I may finally lose some weight again and feel a bit better about myself. 😊 Have a lovely Sunday dear! 🌻
I think it is okay to be weak. I hope that today you’re able to replenish some resources. I’m glad your husband is seeing and acting. And thinking of your situation growing up with devil-woman sister, you are giving your boys such a better experience than you had, even if there are times when the dam breaks. ❤️
I haven’t been eating much either, so that’s something we both need to work on.
Thank you. All I want is for my kids to at least have a chance…even if I’m a mess, I’m still trying. I just want to do better.
It’s so easy for me not to eat….but being pregnant I have to remember it isn’t just about me, and I really have to force myself to sometimes. Isn’t it funny that we have to work on being better at basic life functions? That’s always something that makes me laugh.
Yeah, it’s pretty weird.
I so relate to this. You try so hard to hold it together and then when the dam breaks you just break down. Thanks for sharing!
Yes, it definitely feels inevitable at that point. Maybe it’s a good thing though, maybe it just needs to happen sometimes.