Can I be honest here? Like, brutally, terrifyingly honest? Is this a safe space? It’s not a secret that lately, I’ve been feeling pretty shitty. And for me, that looks a lot like anxiety and anger and resentment and coldness. I push people away, I live with my anxiety at a 10, and I just […]
Ok, let’s get real here. Read More »
Oh, chick season. My favorite time of year. This year we added 7 babies to my existing flock of 5, and in July, I’ll be adding 3 more ducklings to my existing 3 ducks as well. These babies were born on my birth sons birthday and got here the day after. (No, of course I
When you’re sad, you get babies! Read More »
How could you do that? You did the very thing that you KNEW I was the most afraid of. Giving up on me. You gave up on me. I gave you something to read, hoping it would help you understand how I was feeling, where I was coming from. How do you interpret that from
I’m having a hard time today, and I’m feeling very defeated. I feel strangely similar to how I did 8 years ago, after my son was born, and I had to say goodbye. I feel that way now. After what happened on his birthday this year, where it was made clear to me that yes,
He isn’t mine, but I am still his Read More »
So…something kind of…crazy happened the other day. First of all, yes, I’m alive. I survived. The hard part isn’t over, not by a long shot…but one day at a time…right? Secondly…holy shit. Like, actually, holy fucking shit. On Monday, my sons birthday…I struggled. Of course. I sent the text, the “happy birthday, please give my
Unpacking this emotional fuckery Read More »
Dear son, Today is your birthday. Today, you are 8 years old. While this might seem like any other day to anyone else, it’s far from ordinary to me. 8 years ago today, you changed me, and I would never be the same. It was you who made me a mom, a title I hold
I love you always, but today I love you extra. Read More »
April 3rd, 2014“I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. This long without cutting, drinking, smoking…I can’t believe it’s all almost over. I had a doctor appointment the other day and I’m going to be induced tonight on the 3rd, and hopefully deliver on the 4th. That was my actual due date. I should’ve called
From the journal of a girl who is about to lose her son… Read More »
In typical April fashion, I am feeling like SHIT right now. “I know I’m pregnant, but can I kill myself anyway? Maybe it would just be easier for everyone.” I asked my husband that question earlier today. Half joking, but also mostly not joking. I feel lower than I’d like to admit. I’m exhausted, and
It’s 11pm…a time when lately, my 11 weeks pregnant self would be nearly passed out from pure exhaustion. But tonight, my eyes are too filled with tears to close them. Thoughts of you…missing you, loving you, regretting every decision I ever made… 8 years ago today, I’m sure I was also having a sleepless night.
Eyes too watery to sleep Read More »
“Does sometimes your outside voice say ‘yes’ when your inside voice says ‘no’?” First of all, if you know where this quote is from, then welcome. You’re officially one of my people. For those of you, likely without young children, that don’t know, it’s a quote from (the best) kids show, Bluey. And today, after
Honoring our “inside” voices Read More »
