No escape

In typical April fashion, I am feeling like SHIT right now.

“I know I’m pregnant, but can I kill myself anyway? Maybe it would just be easier for everyone.”

I asked my husband that question earlier today. Half joking, but also mostly not joking. I feel lower than I’d like to admit. I’m exhausted, and I’m just….sad.

I’m angry and lashing out because I can’t drink and it’s all I want to do. I want a drink. I don’t even care anymore. There needs to be an escape for this pain. But there isn’t one that exists for me right now.

I think I’m actually so miserable that my husband is considering letting me have a (tiny, small) drink. It’s failing, and I don’t want to, but I think it’s funny that I’m literally that miserable, and he knows it would help. I won’t do it, but the fact that he’d consider it speaks volumes to my mental state.

I hate April. I hate today. And most of all, I fucking HATE Monday. His birthday. I shouldn’t be forced to live this life if he can’t be with me, too.

Tomorrow holds a lot of weight, as does Monday, obviously. I scheduled a massage for myself tomorrow and other than that, I’m hoping to lay in bed and do absolutely nothing for the next 2 days.

I can’t do this, just can’t. Last night I didn’t sleep at all, and the exhaustion, both physical and mental, is unbearable.

I’m sorry I’m not better at this. I’m sorry I’m not stronger.

And I’m sorry that I want to give up.

10 thoughts on “No escape”

  1. You are strong 💪🏼 as you’ve been able to resist the urges! I’m very sorry you’re in so much pain. Foelr me, it’s food when I feel bad and seeing the kilo’s I’ve gained lately 🙈 I wish I’ve been as strong as you are! I still need to learn to resist my urges and damn, I keep failing. 😔 You’re a great example for me of being strong, for which I thank you! I hope to be able to deal with my food urges and finally start losing some weight again. ♥

    1. Food is such a hard thing not to use as a coping mechanism. It’s so much easier to resist the unhealthy urges once you’ve started doing so successfully, much like alcohol. Once you actually make the change, it gets *slightly* easier to adjust to it. You can do it!!! One day at a time. You got this, you’re strong too.

      1. Thank you! I usually can keep my urges in check, but when I’m struggling with my mental health, it’s nearly impossible for me to beat them. I feel good when I eat, I want to feel anything but depressed so… I feel like I gotta eat all the time. Last month I gained 3 kilo’s, which I’m angry about… Won’t change a thing, gotta get into a better head space.
        Wishing you all the best as well! Let’s say we’re strong and we’ll beat our demons, one day, one slay, at a time 💪🏼

  2. You are so strong. The fact that this is hard doesn’t make you weak; it means you love him. You are not a) having a drink, or b) killing yourself. That makes you hella strong. ❤️

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