From the journal of a girl who is about to lose her son…

April 3rd, 2014
“I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. This long without cutting, drinking, smoking…I can’t believe it’s all almost over. I had a doctor appointment the other day and I’m going to be induced tonight on the 3rd, and hopefully deliver on the 4th. That was my actual due date.

I should’ve called the hospital over an hour ago, but clearly, I’m procrastinating. My mom will be here from the 3rd to the 7th. I think I’m pretty scared. They usually don’t like to induce because of the increased risk of c-section and other things, but because of my situation and everyone being far away, the doctor decided it was okay.

(Adoptive parents) will come here tonight I think, and I’m scared. I just can’t believe it’s almost time. All this work and planning and everything…and it’s just over as soon as I have him.

I hope I get time alone with him. I hope (adoptive parents) will give me space. I really want to spend time with (birth dad) and our son…just the 3 of us. I just want a little dose of what could have been, and what probably will never be again.

As scared as I am for the labor aspect, I’m 10x more afraid of afterwards. Of next week, next month, all summer…I’m terrified of being away from (birth dad) while he’s (temporarily working somewhere else). I don’t want to lose him. I love him, and I’m terrified of a long distance relationship with no end in sight.

I need him to be there to support me. He’s the only one who can almost understand what I’m going through. Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary, and I don’t want it to be our last.

Even if it is…I hope one day, if I’m really angry and hate him for hurting me…I hope I can look back and remember that I loved him.
Forgiveness is easier than hatred is….”

__________

I wrote that 8 years ago. I was desperately trying to stay strong in a hopeless situation. Today, I’m not strong enough to voice my own words. So I’ll let my past self do the talking. The pain is all the same.

I recently wrote a post about Birth Dad, and how I feel about him now. Turns out, I choose to forgive him.

13 thoughts on “From the journal of a girl who is about to lose her son…”

  1. I’ve not been in your situation, so it’s very hard to even assume that I think what you’ve been through. I just started following your site and I love the honesty in your words. They’re raw, sure, but real and to that, I can relate.
    I am wishing you much strength, again, and I’ll keep sending it your way as long as you may need it 🍀.
    It’s always hard to read about someone else’s struggles and I always feel I should do something to help. Of course, I can’t do anything irl for you, but digitally, I can he “here” if you ever want to chat or rant.
    Big hugs and much strength 🌈 🌸 🤗

    1. Thank you, I really appreciate you saying that. Honestly, having people and support, even “just” online, helps a lot. Not feeling so alone and abandoned with no where to go with my thoughts is a hard place. I’m glad I have people who are supportive 💙💙

      1. I totally can understand that, it’s how I also feel when people react to my posts in positive and supportive ways 💜 I enjoy the honesty and being real bits in your posts a lot and I’ll do my best to keep commenting. I sometimes struggle with what to say, being neurodivergent can be hard at times… 😊
        Sending much strength again! 🌸 🌼

  2. I hope he was a wonderful birthday, basking in both the love he knows about and the love he doesn’t know about yet. You are amazingly strong for even continuing to exist today. ❤️

    1. Thank you ❤️ I had a decent conversation with his adoptive parents today. It made me feel a tiny bit better, even if the very conversation broke me.
      By the way, I’m not sure why my post from today vanished for a few minutes… WordPress is so weird.

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