April 3rd, 2014
“I can’t believe I’ve made it this far. This long without cutting, drinking, smoking…I can’t believe it’s all almost over. I had a doctor appointment the other day and I’m going to be induced tonight on the 3rd, and hopefully deliver on the 4th. That was my actual due date.
I should’ve called the hospital over an hour ago, but clearly, I’m procrastinating. My mom will be here from the 3rd to the 7th. I think I’m pretty scared. They usually don’t like to induce because of the increased risk of c-section and other things, but because of my situation and everyone being far away, the doctor decided it was okay.
(Adoptive parents) will come here tonight I think, and I’m scared. I just can’t believe it’s almost time. All this work and planning and everything…and it’s just over as soon as I have him.
I hope I get time alone with him. I hope (adoptive parents) will give me space. I really want to spend time with (birth dad) and our son…just the 3 of us. I just want a little dose of what could have been, and what probably will never be again.
As scared as I am for the labor aspect, I’m 10x more afraid of afterwards. Of next week, next month, all summer…I’m terrified of being away from (birth dad) while he’s (temporarily working somewhere else). I don’t want to lose him. I love him, and I’m terrified of a long distance relationship with no end in sight.
I need him to be there to support me. He’s the only one who can almost understand what I’m going through. Yesterday was our 2 year anniversary, and I don’t want it to be our last.
Even if it is…I hope one day, if I’m really angry and hate him for hurting me…I hope I can look back and remember that I loved him.
Forgiveness is easier than hatred is….”
I wrote that 8 years ago. I was desperately trying to stay strong in a hopeless situation. Today, I’m not strong enough to voice my own words. So I’ll let my past self do the talking. The pain is all the same.
I recently wrote a post about Birth Dad, and how I feel about him now. Turns out, I choose to forgive him.