Another “oh, therapy” post…but it’s not what you think.

Oh, therapy. You guys aren’t sick of hearing me talk about that yet, are you? 🙃

So…how did it go last night? Is what I’m sure you’re all wondering. Well, truthfully, so am I. I might be totally off base here, but I think, it’s possible, that it might have gone well. Or at least…it went how it needed to go.

It was awkward as shit for the first while, I didn’t know how to talk, and she didn’t offer much in the way of responses.

Towards the second hour, I shifted gears, and, despite knowing it was a risk, attempted to address our relationship. Lately, anytime I’ve attempted to do that, it hasn’t gone super well, and it’s left me wishing I hadn’t gone there. But this time, it went a little differently.

When it first got brought up, it went like it had in the past, but then eventually, we got into a much more honest conversation. She was honest with me about a lot of things. Some I had already knew, but others that I hadn’t considered. And it was that honesty from her, and hearing things in a different way this time, that is what leads me to say that overall, despite it being difficult, it still went…okay.

There are a lot of things that she said that did make sense, and I can see that now. Like, how I’m probably acting with her how I do in my other relationships. And she’s partially right about that.

When I’m not happy with how I’m feeling, or when things are going wrong, I feel badly about myself. And I guess I kind of tell other people how they probably feel about me. I tell my husband constantly that he “doesn’t love me”, when he’s just told me that he does. And I kind of do the same thing in therapy. I say things like that I feel like she hates me, or that I did something wrong, etc.

And while me saying those things doesn’t affect her, it does affect our relationship, and how I allow it to progress.

It was hard, no doubt. But it’s been hard. And this is the start of the type of conversation we have been needing to have, that I’ve been wanting to have.

Amongst other things, it really boils down to attachment. I’m just…it’s like a different language in my brain. At this point, you’d think I’d have a secure attachment with her. And really, as hard as I’ve tried to, I don’t. With her, or with anyone. Although she and my husband are probably as close as it gets, as far as me having a “secure attachment” with anyone.

I put up walls, I put up barriers, I’ve kept her at arms length..because I’m afraid of getting hurt.

I haven’t allowed myself to be in a position to need somebody. Or, to admit that I do, and to allow that need to exist. When it comes to therapy, it feels really complicated for me. I’ve written about my past experiences with therapy before, and how I’ve come to be where I am now, over 6 years later with my current therapist, and believe me…that’s been a journey in it of itself.

I spend so much time trying not to be “needy” and not to be…I don’t know. All of those undesirable things that no therapist wants in a patient. Or too dependent, or any of those things that would make someone say “thank you, please turn around and take your sorry butt out of my office now”.

At the end of the day, I know I need to to better. I know that I’m very frustrating to work with, and I know that I can probably be difficult to get close to.

I have a lot to work on, both in therapy and out of therapy. But it is something I take seriously, and the relationship that I have with my therapist and with therapy in general is something that is really important to me to maintain on a healthy and secure level.

I have to work on trust. I desperately have to work on attachment. Those are probably the 2 hardest things for me, but I know they are the foundation of everything, and they are the most important. I honestly don’t know where to start, or how to feel better in regards to those things. But I need to try harder to.

Like I said, this is important to me. And having success in this area of my life is only going to improve other areas of my life as well.

Last night was hard. There’s no question about that. But I’m hoping it was the first true stepping stone to improving our strained relationship, and ultimately my life in general, and all of the things I need so desperately to work on.