Maybe I should warn you now, this post might be one you disagree with, or not understand, and that’s okay. I’m aware I’m probably in the minority with my feelings, but that’s okay too.
I don’t talk about religion or God much or anything like that. Usually, I avoid the topic at all costs. The topic is hard for me, and it isn’t one I understand. I want to be blunt here, and I don’t want to worry about your feelings when I’m writing. So I do apologize, but I’m going to be raw here.
I don’t understand how there can be a God. I don’t understand how there can be religion, or a “higher power” or anything like that, when there is SO much pain and suffering. I’ll make this a bit smaller and simpler by just talking about myself, and leaving the rest of the worlds pain and suffering out of this. But I just…I can’t make sense of it.
Since we’re making it smaller and just talking about my world for simplicity’s sake, it just doesn’t seem possible. My world is so consumed with pain and suffering and trauma.
Sexual assault, abuse, rape, a seriously fucked up childhood, a son that I placed for adoption 8 years ago that I don’t get to know and love in the ways I want to, need to, a genetic disorder and a life filled with physical pain, countless surgeries, health issues…and at least 2 of my children who will die of this very same progressive genetic disorder. Trauma on top of trauma on top of trauma.
That isn’t even all of it, not by a long shot…but shouldn’t that be enough? Isn’t that enough for one person to deal with…isn’t it too much?
How can that be right? How can there be a God, or religion, or something that makes this okay? My life isn’t okay. There isn’t any light, there isn’t any happiness….it’s all just senseless pain.
Senseless pain. No one person deserves all of it. It isn’t fair, of course not. Life isn’t fair. But at a certain point, we exceed the rationale of your typical life isn’t fair and wander into…what the fuck territory.
I feel so tired and broken. No one is coming to save me, no one is coming to heal me, that isn’t how this works. If there was some higher power, if there was something that was supposed to be there….surely things wouldn’t be like this. Surely I would not have fallen through the cracks this badly.
I know there will be a lot of people who disagree with my thinking on this. And that’s okay. This is just how I feel. One very broken, hurting person. With a lifetime of what seems like senseless pain.
I put good things out into the world. I try to be the kind of person that I wish someone was to me…and I just don’t feel like I, or anyone else, deserves all of this.
Is it enough that I wake up every day and I’m alive? Is that the argument? That I should be grateful and thankful for that? I am, don’t get me wrong…but, and maybe this is selfish…that doesn’t seem like enough to me.
To live a life of suffering, of heartache and loss and grief and trauma, of watching your loved ones, your children, be so severely affected by a genetic disorder that you know they could die….
There’s just too much pain. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to really understand why. It seems senseless. There can’t be logic, or a “plan” behind it. There is no greater good in all of my personal suffering. There is no good that will come of this, of my life being what it is.
I want to believe that there is. I really, truly do. Nothing would make me happier than knowing there was a “plan”, that this actually did make sense, that things really will be okay. But I just….I can’t get there.
It’s seems so senseless. It seems so pointless. I don’t see a point of the pain.
7 thoughts on “When religion/faith and trauma don’t quite mix”
I feel like one of the main reasons that religion exists is because people are so drawn to trying to make sense of the senseless. It doesn’t make sense to me either that if there was a higher power, that he/she/it would put so much suffering in the world, but I think for some people it is comforting to think that a higher power has a plan and everything that happens is somehow part of that plan. Personally, I’m inclined to feel the opposite; it’s more comforting to me to think that shit just happens than to think that a higher power is making/allowing shit to happen.
I agree. It’s easier to believe that it’s all just bullshit and whatever happens happens. Otherwise, I feel very targeted. And like I must’ve done something to deserve it…when I just can’t see what I couldn’t done to “deserve” it.
I figure there’s really no way to argue that mass groups of people “deserved” genocide, and bad stuff on an individual level isn’t deserved either.
I totally agree! I wrote about this some time ago, https://cynnisblog.wordpress.com/2021/11/02/my-god-is-surely-not-almighty/
While I do believe there may be a higher power, maybe even an afterlife, I don’t see it as God being all mighty and all that.
I was raised catholic, went to a catholic school and did a commune and all that.
But when I was being a big target of bullying, both verbal as physical, I prayed every night for someone to help me, to reach out and make it stop. It never did… Only seemed to get worse. Then when a priest said that God provides, God would not test you if he knew you weren’t able to cope… Nope! I didn’t want to cope anymore. I didn’t need these tests. I just wanted some friends and for people to not bully me anymore…
So yes, I totally get it and I agree. Enough is enough… 🤗 🤗 🤗 This plan of “his” is just a big mess… Some people get all the goods while others end up with all the sh*t 😔
Yes, we definitely didn’t deserve it, and nobody needs any more tests. I’m sorry you get it too..it’s a frustrating place to be in and kind of a hard realization.
Don’t be sorry dear, not your fault. It happens and I will deal with it. It just takes time to heal or at least accept that this is my life. We’ll get through, somehow, some way. I just don’t believe that someone is guiding me, besides maybe a good friend that did stick up for me when times were rough. 😊 Have a lovely day 🌸