Sometimes life just…beats the shit out of you. For what seems like no reason at all, life just keeps happening.
Every day this week I’ve woken up and just hoped it was Friday. That the week was over, and the weekend was on its way. This week was “water week” at therapy for my kids, and it’s easily their favorite week of the year. Maybe not for my 3 year old, but for my 5 year old, it’s as good as Disney World.
But it is absolutely EXHAUSTING for me. Standing outside for 2 hours a day in 100° weather, while pregnant. I almost passed out yesterday. So that was fun. And for course, we’re there every single day of the week.
This week has been a lot. It’s been emotionally and physically taxing, and I’m just…well, honestly, I’m having a tough time.
I appreciate the people in my life who have reached out, or even just tried to be there for me this past week. Most people don’t know what to say, and I guess I get that. A lot of the things that I go through can be…hard for others to imagine or understand. So it can be hard for them to know how to be there for me, or what to say. And I do get that…but it still sucks.
To be honest, I’m not even sure what I would say to myself, or how I really even feel, so I can imagine how others would have a hard time too.
There’s no part of me that feels good today. I have one more day of “water week”, and then at least I’ll be able to more physically calm. But right now, I feel awful.
I feel like I have absolutely nothing left to give, nothing left to offer. It’s a day where I wish I was able to just lay in bed and rest. My legs feel like they are 1,000 pounds each, and every movement I make requires such effort. More effort than I have to give.
Today makes me feel like a failure. Like I’m not good enough, not worthy enough. I’m too tired to play with my kids, or do chores, I don’t feel well, and I’d just simply rather not exist.
Emotionally I’m distant and drained…and it’s just…it’s been a lot. I feel so detached and far away from everything, probably as a protective measure. So I don’t feel so much. So guilty, so sad, so…broken.
Today, my “good enough” line will have to be enough to just simply survive. The exhaustion is absolutely real, and the mental strain of this week has been significant. I’m not ready to get into detail about it yet, honesty, probably because I just don’t want to deal with it. But I will soon.
In the meantime, here are some great pictures of my cute kids during water week. Even if I’m exhausted, it’s worth it to see them smile.