As a stay at home mom, and really…just as a person in general, it can be hard to know what exactly it is that I’m angry or frustrated about all the time.
Am I really angry that the 3 year old isn’t listening, or is this about something else?
Is it really the dog that’s pissing me off right now? Or have I just had an extremely hard day, and he happened to do the next wrong thing?
It’s no secret that lately, I am feeling burnt out beyond belief. Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to cover it anymore. (No wonder the insatiable urge to drink has come back full force.) I think it’s a combination of caregiver burnout, my own mental health not being the greatest (but when is it ever), and this pregnancy just truly kicking my ass physically.
Without a doubt, I am more physically burdened by this pregnancy than I anticipated. Maybe I forgot, maybe it’s having another kid this time, maybe it’s just progression of this disease….but I am fucking exhausted. It’s not an exaggeration when I say that I have maybe 5 good minutes throughout the day where I feel physically safe. Just this morning, I hit my head on my sons bed while trying to pick up some laundry. And I already spent a day this week in the hospital after falling!
Everything hurts, and I just feel done. On top of that, I’m concerned with how little this baby seems to move. He doesn’t feel very strong when he does move, and I’m worried about him.
Knowing that he has this genetic disorder as well…it just adds some extreme stress to the pile.
We are expecting him to be the worse off physically, because apparently, every time this gene gets passed on, it’s expected to be a little bit more severe. So….that’s fucking great.
The laundry list of extreme stress that is my life just doesn’t ever seem to stop. So, yeah. There is a lot of anger, and probably a lot of displaced anger.
When you don’t feel good physically or mentally, it can come out inappropriately. To the wrong person, in the form of the wrong words, even in the form of the wrong feeling.
Is my anger really even anger?
A lot of times, I don’t think my anger really is anger. Sure, I have a lot to be genuinely angry about, but I also know that anger is my safest emotion. It’s one I know how to feel, and it’s certainly one I know how to express.
What I really think of boils down to, instead of simply just anger, is really…everything else. Sadness, anxiety, fear, pain, worry…just…everything that I don’t know how to feel, and don’t know how to name, or express.
Tuesday nights are a pretty great example of this. Tuesday is my therapy night, and you can bet like clockwork, when I get home at 8:15pm…I’m gonna be unnecessarily angry and probably start a fight with my husband if it didn’t go well.
Why? Who the fuck knows. Am I really even angry? No, probably not. And certainly not at him.
What I am feeling is pain, though. I know when I get home from therapy, I’m hurting. It’s worse if it’s a bad session, but even if it’s a good and productive session…there’s still some shit to process, and I’m rarely my best version of myself when I get home. But it’s not fair to my husband, because I’m really not angry at him.
I’m really not even angry. I’m just hurt. And I know that it’s displaced and misdirected.
I think know that I have a tendency to displace my “anger”, or really just my emotions, is a good first step. Having the awareness of it, and trying to subdue those feelings and combat them, thats where I’m at right now.
Just because I have a lot of valid feelings doesn’t mean that it needs to be taken out on anyone, or felt so powerfully within myself, even. Expressing emotions appropriately is something I’ve always struggled with, and I tend to just…suppress everything until I can’t anymore, and then I just explode.
I think the thing I need the very most right now is some downtime. I need a mental and physical reset. Tomorrow starts my 3rd trimester, and I am struggling. But I think with a good day or 2 of rest…I can feel better, at least mentally.
And feeling better mentally right now is half the battle. One that I’ll gladly accept a positive change in.