As a stay at home mom, and really…just as a person in general, it can be hard to know what exactly it is that I’m angry or frustrated about all the time.
Am I really angry that the 3 year old isn’t listening, or is this about something else?
Is it really the dog that’s pissing me off right now? Or have I just had an extremely hard day, and he happened to do the next wrong thing?
It’s no secret that lately, I am feeling burnt out beyond belief. Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to cover it anymore. (No wonder the insatiable urge to drink has come back full force.) I think it’s a combination of caregiver burnout, my own mental health not being the greatest (but when is it ever), and this pregnancy just truly kicking my ass physically.
Without a doubt, I am more physically burdened by this pregnancy than I anticipated. Maybe I forgot, maybe it’s having another kid this time, maybe it’s just progression of this disease….but I am fucking exhausted. It’s not an exaggeration when I say that I have maybe 5 good minutes throughout the day where I feel physically safe. Just this morning, I hit my head on my sons bed while trying to pick up some laundry. And I already spent a day this week in the hospital after falling!
Everything hurts, and I just feel done. On top of that, I’m concerned with how little this baby seems to move. He doesn’t feel very strong when he does move, and I’m worried about him.
Knowing that he has this genetic disorder as well…it just adds some extreme stress to the pile.
We are expecting him to be the worse off physically, because apparently, every time this gene gets passed on, it’s expected to be a little bit more severe. So….that’s fucking great.
The laundry list of extreme stress that is my life just doesn’t ever seem to stop. So, yeah. There is a lot of anger, and probably a lot of displaced anger.
When you don’t feel good physically or mentally, it can come out inappropriately. To the wrong person, in the form of the wrong words, even in the form of the wrong feeling.
Is my anger really even anger?
A lot of times, I don’t think my anger really is anger. Sure, I have a lot to be genuinely angry about, but I also know that anger is my safest emotion. It’s one I know how to feel, and it’s certainly one I know how to express.
What I really think of boils down to, instead of simply just anger, is really…everything else. Sadness, anxiety, fear, pain, worry…just…everything that I don’t know how to feel, and don’t know how to name, or express.
Tuesday nights are a pretty great example of this. Tuesday is my therapy night, and you can bet like clockwork, when I get home at 8:15pm…I’m gonna be unnecessarily angry and probably start a fight with my husband if it didn’t go well.
Why? Who the fuck knows. Am I really even angry? No, probably not. And certainly not at him.
What I am feeling is pain, though. I know when I get home from therapy, I’m hurting. It’s worse if it’s a bad session, but even if it’s a good and productive session…there’s still some shit to process, and I’m rarely my best version of myself when I get home. But it’s not fair to my husband, because I’m really not angry at him.
I’m really not even angry. I’m just hurt. And I know that it’s displaced and misdirected.
I think know that I have a tendency to displace my “anger”, or really just my emotions, is a good first step. Having the awareness of it, and trying to subdue those feelings and combat them, thats where I’m at right now.
Just because I have a lot of valid feelings doesn’t mean that it needs to be taken out on anyone, or felt so powerfully within myself, even. Expressing emotions appropriately is something I’ve always struggled with, and I tend to just…suppress everything until I can’t anymore, and then I just explode.
I think the thing I need the very most right now is some downtime. I need a mental and physical reset. Tomorrow starts my 3rd trimester, and I am struggling. But I think with a good day or 2 of rest…I can feel better, at least mentally.
And feeling better mentally right now is half the battle. One that I’ll gladly accept a positive change in.
I think it’s no wonder you’re exhausted. The last time you were pregnant, you just had one special needs kid to take care of, and this time you have two. Plus you’ve had a big wallop of trauma since the last pregnancy to add to the shitstorm.
Yeah, it’s really all just been a whole lot. I REALLY need some time off. And my husband is already talking (joking?) about doing this again 🤦🏻♀️🤪
Yikes!
Oh my god! Lol 😂
Men should do it once and then we’ll talk 😉
Hope the weekend is better for you, and hope you get more than 5 minutes of feeling well..
Right??? 😅
The kids are officially in bed, so my weekend has begun, and it already feels amazinggg. Hopefully tomorrow goes well!
…I also know that anger is my safest emotion. It’s one I know how to feel, and it’s certainly one I know how to express. Oh, my God, do I feel this, Girl! I’m the same damn way… often to my own detriment, as it usually leads to feelings of guilt and shame, after the fact.
I’ve come to the realization that the reason I take things out on Mitch (and he and I have discussed this numerous times) is the very reason I love him so much — I know that I can throw anything at him (both literally and metaphorically) and he’s not going to leave.
It’s “safe” for me to rage at him; because he understands that it’s often not about him at all… and he knows that the monsters that installed the fury within most definitely deserve it (but they’re no longer around, so I don’t have the option of taking it out on them, the bastards).
It’s just a sad — and difficult — truth for those of us who have dealt with trauma. We fear abandonment above all else… and so, we tend to take our negative emotions out on those we know are least likely to abandon us. Trauma is a cruel mistress, Girl. Just remember that; and be kinder to yourself when she shows up at your door and breaks the hinges. You are so much more than the rage she inspires.
I’m glad he’s safe, and that you have that trust with them…Even when it sucks. I wish we could take it out on the people that deserve it.
My husband definitely puts up with a good bit from me, and I hope he knows that it isn’t all on him, but I’m not sure if he always knows that it isn’t about him.
Trauma freaking sucks. For everyone involved.
Abandonment is my biggest fear by far, and I’ve actually been abandoned by an ex before. It was brutal.
Being kind to myself is definitely a skill I need to learn.