What I thought I’d never say

I’m literally sitting here writing in my journal right now. I’m mid sentence, and a thought that I don’t think I’ve ever had came into my head.

If my husband asked me to stop drinking, like, if he told me it was a problem for him, and he’d leave me or he’d hate me or something like that if I ever started drinking again…that might be enough for me to stop.

I’ve thought a lot about “would this be enough to make me stop?” And the answer, in my head, has typically always been no. It wouldn’t be enough.

But then, just now, I thought to myself, “well, what if he told me that? What if he said how important it was to him, and he really meant it? Would that be enough?”

And for the first time ever, my gut reaction was yes, that probably would be enough.

I don’t know why that would be the thing that’s suddenly enough, or why it just occurred to me when it did, but I think it might be one of the only things. Maybe because if he felt that way about it, then it’s kind of like his decision. Then he has to be on board with all parts of “recovery” and what that looks like…that he’d go through it with me, in a sense. That he suddenly had an understanding of how bad it is, how much of a problem it was, and is committing with me to stop it.

My husband, and I love him so very much, has always been kind of an enabler. He doesn’t really tell me no, he doesn’t talk about hard things, and if I want to hide something from him, I probably can. (Not that I would or do, but still.) We’re both conflict avoidant and ignore problems whenever possible.

I’m don’t think there would really ever be anything like that where he would give me an “ultimatum” of sorts, and to be honest, when he tells me “no” about drinking…it makes me want to drink twice as much. Being told no by him (and historically, anyone in my life telling me no about it) is always a super sensitive thing for me, and it typically leads me to drinking much more.

So…historically speaking, no. It probably wouldn’t be a good idea for him to tell me no. My brain doesn’t agree with that. But at the same time, if he approached it in the right way, do I think it would be “enough”?

Yeah, I really do.

I think just something about it feeling like it would be a mutual thing, and that maybe I wouldn’t be alone in it. Maybe that’s why I feel that way now, but I’m honestly not sure. I think I’ve just felt alone in this for so long, I isolate myself when it comes to this, and it just isn’t something that I talk about. Not with my husband, not with my friends…it’s just one of those battles I fight silently, all the while the world burns down around me.

It would be a relief to be done with this demon. To have the weight of the world not quite so on my shoulders.

But even that, even just admitting that I’d like to be done with alcohol forever… well, even just that is hard enough.

I can’t imagine actually doing it.