I’m feeling feelings. Most are bad, but to be honest, I’m just glad they exist.
I often feel so numb. So alone, so broken.
Drinking had come back to me. And for as much as I hate it, there’s a part of me that loves it.
I exist in a space that serves only to take care of other people. I wake up, I take care of my kids, I go to sleep (but not really), there’s a newborn waiting for me all throughout the night, I wake up and the day repeats.
My days and nights are in service to others.
And there’s just no time for me.
The time I have for myself is sparse. A mere 5 hours between bedtime and the next feeding. Better hurry, better make it quick.
The only “self care” I have is to quick, let’s get drunk. Drunk enough to feel, but sober enough to be fine in 5-7 hours.
Drink as much as I (responsibly) can. Right after bedtime.
Then an hour later, accuse my husband of not loving me. Tell him he’s in a mood.
Question fucking everything.
Why doesn’t he love me?
Why doesn’t he care?
Am I no longer allowed to talk about my feelings?
Alcohol is the only excuse I have to feel. To talk about those feelings.
And, yet…I feel that something is wrong. My relationship is starting to feel…strained.
I ask him “do we need to go back to therapy?” And he responds “no…it’s just the drinking”.
As in, my drinking is making me feel as if our relationship is unsteady.
But I can discern the meaning behind his words.
My drinking is causing problems. My drinking is making me feel unloved. It’s convincing me that I’m unlovable, that things aren’t okay…that my stability that I need is now unstable.
I don’t know how to break this cycle. I don’t know how to get what I need.
These are familiar bad feelings.
And that’s the most terrifying that something can be.
My addiction is no longer within my control. I’m choosing alcohol over him. Over anything. I don’t want to. I’m trying to fight it.
But I am losing.
I want to feel loved. I want to feel safe.
And I cannot feel those things while alcohol is in control.
I’m losing. And that’s truly fucking terrifying.