The end?

If you look in the mirror and don’t like what you see, you can find out firsthand what it’s like to be me…

I’m not so okay. But I’m hanging on. I’m questioning life and what it means, and if I really even belong here anymore.

It’s been a rough day after a rough week. I’m shut down and withdrawn and alone. Slowly but surely, I’m cutting people out. Maybe so that it hurts less when I’m gone.

I’m a little broken, wondering if maybe I’m simply just a little too broken.

My husband looked over at me, smiling, after a completely shit day.

I simply looked back at him and told him that I am not strong. I cannot do this again. There is a limit to my strength, and I have reached it.

A bad night after a bad day after a bad week after a bad month. I’ve reached my limit.

So gather ’round, piggies, and kiss this goodbye
I’d encourage your smiles, I’ll expect you won’t cry

I’m sorry. I’m too tired for the bullshit. Too tired for the pain, the hurt…all of it.

I’ll fight another night, maybe.

But I don’t know how many more I have in me.

11 thoughts on “The end?”

      1. It’d hard. It’s scary. It’s off-putting… But you can do this! You’re not alone. Even if it feels like it. That’s the addiction talking, keeping you in its grasp. Don’t let it get all the power you have!

  1. Alana, the day before my most recent Day 1, one of my friends said, “You’ve got to keep fighting.”

    Fighting is scary. Recovery takes courage. I have had to set boundaries–sometimes repeatedly. I have had to make my self-care an absolute priority. For 7 years now, my family knows that I go to yoga in the eveni g. Yes, they didn’t like that at first. I have had to dig my heels and be prepared to leave my marriage if the boundaries were not accepted (thankfully they were). I have had to talk to people who upset me. I did step 9 and contacted the people I had hurt in the past, which led me to realize how much my self-destructive tendencies had harmed everyone else.

    I did therapy too. The downside is that it is only once a week at the most. But I used various groups to tide me over. There is She Recovers Together on Facebook. They are free and have Zoom meetings twice a day. They welcome people who are sober-curious. I did an intensive with Tempest, which did cost some money, but I got financial aid. It taught me tools that I still use, and has a very practical approach to recovery. They have multiple Zoom meetings per day. There is also Smart Recovery, Moderation Management, The Luckiest Club, and other groups that primarily cater to women.

    I have gone to AA meetings in person and on Zoom. It is free! During some seasons in my recovery, I have gone daily. I have done better without a sponsor, but most people find having one to be very helpful. Working the steps has brought me a lot of peace and freedom from my past.

    I worked with a recovery coach that I met through She Recovers. She is amazing, and I can give you her info.

    Most people I know who are successful in their recovery have gone through rehab. Insurance covers this, and it really helped them to focus on themselves and on self care.

    I know that voice well, the voice that says nobody cares and there is no way out. And I can tell you that it is all lies. People care. We care. And there is a path. It can be scary at times and it takes a lot of courage. But the life it leads to is worth fighting

    1. Thank you for all of the info, I’m definitely going to look into some of those things.
      Honestly I’ve wished for a long time that I could go through rehab. But I feel like I can’t or that I shouldn’t or that it’s not practical for me. But maybe those are just excuses. Idk.

      I’ve definitely tried setting more boundaries for myself and it’s funny, every time I say something about a boundary or respecting myself I have your (online) voice in my head.
      A recovery coach sounds like something that could be really helpful

      1. Lol, picture a high-pitched childlike voice with a combination Midwest and southern dialect! And throw some colorful language in, because I am a Texas girl! 😉 You have so got this girl! I will email you some links!

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