It’s Memorial Day here in America, which means that my husband has a day off work. If ever a Monday doesn’t feel like a Monday, it’s today.
My kids don’t have therapy, my husband is home, and it feels like another weekend day.
I do have my therapy tonight still, which I’m glad about. It’s been a long and bad week and there’s definitely some stuff to talk about.
But…I’m nervous. I’m always nervous going into therapy after a week like the one I’ve had, because I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know what’s going to come up or where it will go…so it makes me nervous.
My friends are telling me to be honest and vulnerable and blah blah blah….which…they’re right. I should. But it’s hard for me to do that…especially when I’m still feeling really shut down.
At this point, my therapist knows me well enough to know more or less exactly how to get me to be open, or maybe it’s just getting easier for me to bring my walls down and try to open up.
As long as the weather stays decent, we will go to the park again. I hope we do end up going there because since my husband is home today, he’s going to come and just run around the trails surrounding the park. So he’ll be there…just not there.
Things are definitely weird right now. My husband is going through his own mental health struggles, but when that happens, he basically shuts down. And I take it personally. I know where it’s coming from, the stress of being miserable at work and trying to change careers and the pressure he’s putting on himself to make it all work…but it’s starting to affect our marriage. When both of our mental health is not the best…yeah. Things can go bad quickly.
To be honest, I really don’t like how things are going lately between us. And it gets like this EVERY time his mental health takes a hit. I’m worried about how this will turn out. I need him to be…I don’t know. It’s hard when I take it personally, because I know it isn’t about me. But it still makes me feel unloved and alone. And then I push back and get upset and distant…it’s a cycle I’m familiar with. One we haven’t been in in a while…and I’m hoping we don’t end up back there now.
I woke up this morning in a lot more pain than usual, and since it’s a day off…I decided to try to book a massage for myself last minute. My body is starting to feel as broken as it really is, so I know I need to start being kinder to myself.
Everyone deserves to feel better every now and then….even me.
I hope you all enjoy this not very Mondaylike Monday.
I’m doing my best to make the most out of it.
Even if I’m not feeling the best about how things are going.