The past 6 days have honestly been the most wild whirlwind of events and roller coasters that I’ve experienced in quite some time.
Okay, here’s the deal. It’s March. Which means, it’s birthday month. Technically, yes. My birth son’s birthday is in April…April 4th. But the entire lead up to it is in March, which makes this month a hell of a triggering month for me.
Last Tuesday during therapy, I texted his parents and asked what I could do for his birthday this year. Now, I don’t know if you remember, but I haven’t talked to them since Christmas…when I sent him a pretty insane and time consuming gift of multiple crocheted items and a picture of our family holding them. They asked for something crocheted, and so that’s what I did.
But then I never heard from them after that. I never got to know if he got it. Or liked it. Or if he hated it, or if it made him feel sad, or loved and thought of, or anything. I never knew anything. And it hurt. A lot.
So I was…surprised and not expecting the response I received when I texted them last week.
He loved it???! You couldn’t have told me this like, maybe, 3 months ago??! I mean, I’m grateful and it feels good knowing that…I obviously have been wondering and it was driving me crazy to know if it was well received or not…especially since I put SO much physical and emotional effort into it.
So that opened up an entire freaking emotional can of worms.
But then he continued being conversational and engaging. Again, I loved it and appreciated his communication with me, but it always really is unexpected and kind of rips the scabs off my heart when it comes to my birth son.
I mean…it’s a short but beautiful and impactful conversation. And I’m so grateful for any crumb they give me.
But oh boy did it truly send me into some darkness in the days to come.
Full transparency, cause that’s what we do here, I broke the fuck down Wednesday night. Gave it a full 24 hours before I let it truly get to me I guess. 🤦🏻♀️. I didn’t even tell anyone about the conversation. Not my friends, not my husband, I just couldn’t yet. It had to stay in its cage and I wasn’t ready to bring it to the surface and talk about it with anyone.
I texted my best friend a long winded text on Wednesday night, a good 24 hours later, when the impact of it was too much to bear on my own. That was an extremely one sided conversation, where I sent her a text venting and being emotional, and gave her an out. “Don’t worry, you don’t need to respond”…etc. And she didn’t. Not really. Which I guess is fine. It’s my shit to deal with on my own.
But I have felt very alone and like I’m correct in my feeling forced into isolation and dealing with things on my own. It’s a lonely feeling. And scary. And I think the lack of response, really only talking about it with her to begin with and kind of feeling maybe a little bit rejected, sent me into another bad night.
A worse night.
It was anyone’s fault or any one thing that triggered it really…but I think all of it added up. And Thursday was…well, it was bad. And I was pretty dead set on wanting to die. What started as a bad early evening only got worse as it turned to night. My husband supported me the best he could, but I honestly still hadn’t even told him about the conversation from a few days earlier. So he was fighting a battle he didn’t even know about.
Friday was an…unexpectedly great day when we got some good news for once, and possibly what could be the start of being less financially burdened than we have been for the past year.
Oh yeah, and I also officially have insurance as of March 1st. Which, if you’ve been here for a while…you know this is a big deal.
I feel better this week than I did last week. And I did eventually tell my husband about the conversation on Friday night.
Things feel better and more hopeful than they did a few days ago.
I’ll continue to have bad days before this month is over, that’s just the expectation and the journey that adoption and birthdays are.
But I wasn’t expecting the magnitude of the conversation that took place. Even if reading it, it doesn’t feel like a huge deal to you, to me, it really, really was.
Dealing with it alone was my downfall. Feeling forced to isolate and carry the burden silently felt like the heaviest weight, one I just couldn’t carry. But I didn’t know how to talk about it either.
I don’t know the right path to travel. But I know traveling it alone will always be the wrong path. Sometimes, even knowing that…it doesn’t change what I feel forced to do.
Grief doesn’t ever end. It comes in waves. And sometimes, the waves just knock the life right out of you.
Today is better. I can’t focus on the future. Today is painful, but it’s more hopeful than it was a few days ago. And that’s a win I’ll allow myself to have.
Hugs 💞