Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to feel. Like I haven’t earned the right to be upset, or grieve or feel loss or pain or hurt. I always feel like my pain isn’t valid. Or that it isn’t big enough or real enough, or anything like that. I always look for others to validate …
I’m can’t win, therefore I lose. Everything is twisted and dirty and cold. I want to drink it away. Nothing makes sense without the promise of alcohol. I quit. I give up. Universe, you win. The knowledge of the future is clear: but if drink this drink I might forget it. I’ll wake up and …
I reject the pain. I reject the past, and the promise of the pain that the future holds. I don’t want any of this. I’m not even sure what I do want…but I sure do know what I don’t want. Pain. What does that even mean? Can it be more than just subjective? Could anyone …
Oh, alcohol. Tonight, the lies of your allure pulls me deeper. You’re the voice I hear in my head. The one that tells me more is better. That more will help. More will heal, will help us forget. I know you’re full of shit. I know that one more drink, and I’ll wake up feeling …
I am living a story where I believe in hope for others, but not for myself. I’ve never believed in myself, or that a better ending is even possible for me. This week, I’ve been challenged. I’ve been asked to write as of hope is possible for me, as if I believe in better for …
You can have pain, and still have hope for a better tomorrow. Read More »
Everything hurts, and I need it to stop. I need the world to stop spinning so fast, and I need everything to slow down. I can’t keep up with the speed and intensity of the massive demands that come from taking care of everyone else. The world is crushing me, and I feel like I’m …
I’m struggling right now. I’m fighting to be okay, I’m trying to be strong, to be solid…to just be okay. But I’m failing. I’m questioning everything. My soul is screaming to just be done. I’ve been strong long enough, but I’m not strong enough for this. I’ve used it all up. My days consist of …
I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to write about it, and I don’t want to think about it. But I guess I’m going to have to. Last night was awful. I’m a pretty private person. I don’t share my struggles or emotions (other than writing or blogging about it here). But …
Loss. It’s the only thing that we really can’t convince ourselves doesn’t exist, that it isn’t real. Pain can be subjective. We can downplay it, ignore it, tell ourselves that “its not that bad”, or even “well, maybe it just didn’t even happen”. We can doubt our feelings, our experiences, or listen to the words …
When you ask me how I am, and I tell you that “I’m fine, I always am”. Do you hear the sarcasm masking my screams of agony? When you ask if I’m okay (if you even ever do) and I give a snarky smirk and response of “hah. Of course I’m fine.” Do you ever …