There is so little in my life that I have a say in. That I can influence. Or sway. Or…control. My life is…largely…out my of hands. People abusing you. Raping you. Hurting you. People thinking they can do whatever it is that they want to you. To hurt you. Because…I don’t matter. Only they do. […]
Control? Yeah, sure. Read More »
Me – “Things have been differently lately. Haven’t you felt the shift?” Husband – “Yeah, you’ve said ‘no’ more” “No, I always say ‘no’. That isn’t it.” “Why do you always so ‘no’?” “Because for my entire life, it never mattered if I said it. If I said no, it happened anyway. It didn’t matter.
“No”. Does it mean anything? Read More »
Well, I won’t lie, I’m really struggling today. I don’t know if it’s the effects of not having therapy this week, of it just being an incredibly long week, or just life catching up to me in general…. But I feel like complete shit. I think something really triggering happened this morning too, and although
Ma’am, take a step back please. Read More »
My birthday is next Friday, which I’m honesty a little bit excited for. I very sarcastically make a big deal out of my birthday every year and hope my husband comes through in making me feel special. Honestly, he usually does a pretty good job. It just feels like the one and only day of
It’s July! And all that that means…. Read More »
I came inside to get away from you. I needed a break from the evening, from you. You’d been relentless, and I knew I needed to get away. I came into my house, into my room, and hid in the bathroom. I guess for a few minutes too long. You texted me, but I didn’t
Puddles on the floor Read More »
Tonight, much to my surprise, I will be put in exactly the same situation I found myself in a year ago. With “visitors” in my own home, in my space, invited by someone other than me. The person who sexually assaulted and raped me multiple times over the course of the last year is coming
I hope you don’t hear from me tonight. Read More »
This is…a hard one for me to talk about. I thought about writing it, but I know I’d be less…calculated, and more raw…and while normally that’s a good thing, that’s not what I want when it comes to this topic. I’m not even sure I’ll be able to hit the publish button once this is
Does significant trauma bring permanent changes? Read More »
Lately, I have been feeling particularly trapped and defeated in this seemingly impossible life of mine. Everything that I’m currently going through and having to deal with feels incredibly…..fragile, handle with care, if you will. I don’t want to talk about it, because frankly, I suck at verbally expressing myself on any given day, and
If only drinking could fix it…but it can’t. Read More »
One of the things that I struggle with is anticipatory grief. Basically, it’s the feelings of grief occurring before the loss, or whatever hardship it is coming up. It’s a valid thing, and it’s real, but it sucks. Yesterday, in therapy, I guess we focused a bit on that. With my birth sons birthday coming
I had honestly hoped, as shitty as the situation was, that things could eventually become.. better. I thought things could…possibly one day resemble some sort of normalcy. Although I knew I might never forgive you, I tried to convince myself that maybe I could try. Because regardless of the shit that you did to me
Dear rapist, haven’t you taken enough from me? Read More »
