I wish I felt good enough. I wish I felt like you cared. I’m sorry that ever went away. I wish I felt like I wasn’t so alone. Like I had someone on my side, helping me find my footing. I wish things didn’t turn to shit when they did. And I wish last night […]
Strength. What is is? Where does it come from? How can I find some? Tomorrow, I have therapy. And I’ll have to somehow find the strength to talk about the most impossible topic. I haven’t written about it yet, for some pretty obvious reasons…..but I will soon. This is one of the rare things that
It’s 1 in the morning. To be honest, I wanted to go to sleep hours ago. That’s what the physical side conveyed. But the rest spoke something different. It’s 1a.m. and we’re just now beginning the difficult conversations. Life, death, babies, houses…. All of the fortunate and unfortunate possibilities of our very near futures. Big
The theme of this week, this year even, it seems…is difficult conversations. Things that have never needed to be said, yet need saying anyway. This has been a week of confrontation, but not in a bad way. Difficult conversations, gentle confrontation, a resist to the natural reaction of me running away… It’s all hard. It
Just because it’s difficult, doesn’t mean it’s bad. Read More »
Does it exist? Is there hope, or potential, or even the slightest, most remote possibility that this part of me can ever be healed? Shit, healed is a stretch. I’d be elated with functional. This part of life shouldn’t hurt. The part where someone who is safe and loving…loves you. You shouldn’t be afraid. You
Do the broken parts always stay broken? Read More »
I hate committing to words. I always have. I don’t have depression, I’m just fucked up. Or, I don’t have trauma, everyone goes through this shit. “I wasn’t sexually assaulted. And I definitely wasn’t raped. Recently, or for years on end in past “relationships”. I’m not suicidal, I just want to die sometimes. (I don’t
When words don’t define you…even though they might. Read More »
Every…however often it is…things seems to feel worse. The shift is subtle, and usually, no one would be able to tell. But there’s one area where the shift becomes incredibly blatant and apparent. I don’t smile, I don’t want to be touched, I’m not going to pretend to be happy for your benefit…I’m exhausted all
When physical touch makes you cringe Read More »
Tonight you won. Really, your battle began this morning. I’m wiped, I’m exhausted, and I’m hurt. So this will be short. I struggle to defeat you. It feels laughable to even consider it a possibility. Defeat may not, may never be a choice…..but perhaps an occasional victory could be? Tomorrow I’ll face the physical demons
Dear alcohol and the one who thinks he owns me, Read More »
What do you do when no matter how hard you try, no matter how much work it seems like you put in…at the end of the day…it just doesn’t seem worth it? Like…I’m fucking struggling. I don’t want this! I don’t want the pain and I honestly don’t feel like I deserve it. Or maybe
There is so much going on in my life right now, and it can all be summed up by 1 word – complicated. Every single aspect of my life has been defined by me and everyone else as “complicated”. My kids health? COMPLICATED. My past and trying to come to grips with that all while
How do you tell a story when you don’t even understand it? Read More »
