One of the things that I struggle with is anticipatory grief. Basically, it’s the feelings of grief occurring before the loss, or whatever hardship it is coming up. It’s a valid thing, and it’s real, but it sucks. Yesterday, in therapy, I guess we focused a bit on that. With my birth sons birthday coming […]
I had honestly hoped, as shitty as the situation was, that things could eventually become.. better. I thought things could…possibly one day resemble some sort of normalcy. Although I knew I might never forgive you, I tried to convince myself that maybe I could try. Because regardless of the shit that you did to me
Dear rapist, haven’t you taken enough from me? Read More »
I wish I felt good enough. I wish I felt like you cared. I’m sorry that ever went away. I wish I felt like I wasn’t so alone. Like I had someone on my side, helping me find my footing. I wish things didn’t turn to shit when they did. And I wish last night
Strength. What is is? Where does it come from? How can I find some? Tomorrow, I have therapy. And I’ll have to somehow find the strength to talk about the most impossible topic. I haven’t written about it yet, for some pretty obvious reasons…..but I will soon. This is one of the rare things that
It’s 1 in the morning. To be honest, I wanted to go to sleep hours ago. That’s what the physical side conveyed. But the rest spoke something different. It’s 1a.m. and we’re just now beginning the difficult conversations. Life, death, babies, houses…. All of the fortunate and unfortunate possibilities of our very near futures. Big
The theme of this week, this year even, it seems…is difficult conversations. Things that have never needed to be said, yet need saying anyway. This has been a week of confrontation, but not in a bad way. Difficult conversations, gentle confrontation, a resist to the natural reaction of me running away… It’s all hard. It
Just because it’s difficult, doesn’t mean it’s bad. Read More »
Does it exist? Is there hope, or potential, or even the slightest, most remote possibility that this part of me can ever be healed? Shit, healed is a stretch. I’d be elated with functional. This part of life shouldn’t hurt. The part where someone who is safe and loving…loves you. You shouldn’t be afraid. You
Do the broken parts always stay broken? Read More »
I hate committing to words. I always have. I don’t have depression, I’m just fucked up. Or, I don’t have trauma, everyone goes through this shit. “I wasn’t sexually assaulted. And I definitely wasn’t raped. Recently, or for years on end in past “relationships”. I’m not suicidal, I just want to die sometimes. (I don’t
When words don’t define you…even though they might. Read More »
Everything hurts, and I need it to stop. I need the world to stop spinning so fast, and I need everything to slow down. I can’t keep up with the speed and intensity of the massive demands that come from taking care of everyone else. The world is crushing me, and I feel like I’m
Does anyone have a lifeboat? Read More »
I know I’m writing a lot at night lately, I usually make a habit of posting earlier in the morning. But I’m having a rather hard time putting words into writing with anything less than 2 drinks in me. I’m finding the fakeness, the false positivity, the false hope…rather detestable right now. I’m just not
When the pain is real and vulnerable Read More »
