Searching for…..something

My therapist is always telling me to “stop chasing the feeling”. It pisses me off just a little, not gonna lie, and I really have no idea what she means. But it stuck. It sunk in. She’s right, that is what I do. And more often than not, it gets me into trouble.

I’m always looking for something. Looking for happiness, peace, looking to change how I feel in some way or another. Over the past few years, I’ve relied (heavily) on alcohol to be the answer to my search. Whenever anything went wrong…or right…alcohol was there. It was the answer to every question. It didn’t lead me anywhere better, and I’m still “chasing the feeling”, except I have no idea what I’m looking for.

To be honest with you, while I understand her point…if I’m supposed to “stop chasing the feeling”, well, what exactly am I supposed to do?

I want to feel better, I want to feel happy and peaceful and still, and obviously alcohol is (CLEARLY) the wrong answer… but why is it bad to chase after the positive things that you want? Maybe I’m being thick headed about it and too literal (because that doesn’t sound like me at all), but it seems counterintuitive to not chase the feeling. (In healthier ways.)

I think part of her point is the emphasis on feeling. I’m chasing a feeling. And maybe that in itself is the issue. I don’t know. Sometimes life confuses me and I just don’t know what I could be doing better.

But I will say this:

With everything that has been going on these past few weeks, with all the extra shit life has graciously handed me on a silver platter of doom, I have not run from it. I have not destroyed myself. Or rather, I have not let it destroy me. I’m staying strong and I’m holding my ground. I haven’t (more so than usual) drowned myself in alcohol, I have allowed myself moments to rest and feel, and I’m showing up.

I have a lot of freaking work to do, and I’m (never) proud of myself, but I’m showing up. I’m trying. Maybe that means I’m “chasing the feeling” just a little bit less. Who the heck knows.

My goal was to achieve 24 hours of sobriety by the 3rd week of august. I haven’t hit 24 straight hours of sobriety in a good few years, and I’ve been doing (less well than I hoped for, but well enough) at sticking to the plan.

This was absolutely a setback, but I’m not going to let it take me down. I likely won’t hit my goal, but I’m allowing myself the grace to be okay with that. I will get there.

Or maybe that’s allowing and setting myself up for failure, I don’t know. But I’m choosing to believe that it’s a messed up form of self love.

I’m searching for happiness. I want to be..at least okay. I want to feel okay again. I’m not sure how I’m going to get there, but I’m just not ready to give up quite yet.

At least now I have something worth fighting for other than myself. That’s kind of the whole point of this. I’m not just in it for me anymore, but it would be a nice consolation prize if I found some happiness along the way.