It’s still dark out, my husband has already left for work. An earlier than usual morning for him. I have to start my day and go get the kids up in a few minutes. Plastering on a smile and shoving my emotions down is the last thing I feel like doing right now. But I have to. Because for the next however many hours, it isn’t about me.
It’s about them. They’re the reason I keep going, even if it sucks. I’m not always perfect, I’m not even good half the time.
But still…as much as I want to crawl back into bed and just never get out again, never face the world and all the fucked up shit out there…
I keep showing up.
Life is hard. It’s oftentimes unbearably hard. And everything does hurt. But I’m stronger than all of that. I keep going because I have to. This season feels impossible to get through. There’s no doubt more on my plate than I feel capable of handling.
But for today, on a day where I wake up and feel so weak that I just don’t even KNOW how I’m going to get through it…maybe the best thing I can do is convince myself that I’m strong. Even if I don’t believe it….at least I’m trying to convince myself.
At least if I fail and feel horrible and weak and like giving up…I end my day with 2 hours of therapy tonight. At least that’s something to look forward to. (Or dread? Never quite sure about that.)
Today will be a good day and therapy will be great tonight. Yeah, let’s go with that.
Even if it doesn’t feel true…maybe it still will be.