Lately, I have been feeling……..
a lot.
It’s like I’m feeling everything. All the time. All at once. Constantly.
So I find myself playing my oh-so-favorite game I like to call “Why do I feel like shit today?!?”
Is it because I’m pregnant?
Is it because I’m newly sober, and body still hates the shit out of me?
Could it actually be that my feelings are real and valid, and I don’t know, not just the product of physiological changes?
Is it because my life is ACTUALLY like…10/10 stressful and completely chaotic and unbearably difficult?
Or maybe, is it because I’m actually going through something INCREDIBLY shitty right now, and it is affecting me probably a ton more than this person thinks it is?
Are any of those reasons even enough to warrant feeling…anything….let alone all of this?
I just feel stuck in this cyclone of anxiety and anger and despondence. I’m at a time in my life where I feel like I need people the most…need their support the most.
I don’t feel good right now. Physically, emotionally, or otherwise.
My husband, thankfully, is as supportive as he can be. We are doing as well as possible, and he is there for me when and where he can be. But he can’t solve all my problems, nor is he expected to.
There are just some things I can’t lean on him for. I don’t want to lean on him for those certain things.
So that leaves me sort of stuck with no one. And I implode. All of this shit just builds and builds and builds….and then, thats it. It just implodes. I can’t do this on my own…this life isn’t meant to be travelled alone.
But I guess thats what I’m left with now.
I wish I had therapy today instead of it being an off day. If things can’t be normal, I at least want them to be….consistent, I guess. Maybe I can learn to deal with it being shitty if it’s it least consistent. I don’t know.
Things are rough right now. And I’m struggling with finding the right words for it. Words are…usually all I have.
So when even words are hard to come by? Shit. It leaves me feeling really alone and hopeless.
I just need things to be okay again. And this time, I really don’t know how to get there. I feel so lost.