It’s Sunday morning. Things should be fine, nothing is “wrong” nothing bad happened, but I woke up in a bad mood. I don’t want to be around people, and to be honest, I wouldn’t blame them if they didn’t want to be around me either. I don’t feel good about myself physically, I’m craving alcohol […]
A grumpy Sunday morning Read More »
I had a few doctor appointments this week. One, yesterday, was an ultrasound at my OB’s office. Baby looks good and is measuring 8 weeks 5 days. Pretty much perfect. That’s the good kind of doctor appointment, the one that is actually pleasant, and not (usually) traumatic. Until it is. Until they ask how many
What is it about doctors? Read More »
I’ve always…very quietly, and very under the radar, struggled with weight gain. As in, it’s something I hate doing, and therefor don’t. My BMI typically hangs out around 18 or 19. And while I don’t go to extreme measures to keep it that way (anymore), I actively make food choices to support a “healthier” lifestyle.
There are things more Important than your weight Read More »
Oh, avoidance. The hot button word of my life lately. I’m pretty sure it’s in my top 5 of skills mastered, right alongside sarcasm and “not giving a shit”. Avoidance is…basically the only way I know how to deal with hard things. I don’t think I’ve ever learned anything other than that, and it’s honestly
When avoidance no longer serves you Read More »
It has been 32 days since I’ve taken a drink. It’s been that long since I got a positive pregnancy test. I want to be proud of myself. I want to feel complete, or accomplished, or any sort of positive thing about it…but I don’t. It doesn’t feel earned. It doesn’t feel like anything worthy
Alcohol, or, the lack there of, has done some strange things to my emotions. I’ve always said that I use alcohol to feel. Because without it, I’m essentially numb. That’s both true and untrue. It definitely helped me to feel. It allowed my emotions to come to the surface, and even to be talked about.
Sobriety and…numbness? Read More »
I think I’ve come to the conclusion that therapy is just something I’m probably never going to understand. It went…well? Last night? I think? I mean, it seemed like it did…but lately, it’s been so confusing and complicated and just…I don’t know. It seems like up until the last month, everything about therapy and her
Is it possible to learn to be vulnerable? Read More »
I had honestly hoped, as shitty as the situation was, that things could eventually become.. better. I thought things could…possibly one day resemble some sort of normalcy. Although I knew I might never forgive you, I tried to convince myself that maybe I could try. Because regardless of the shit that you did to me
Dear rapist, haven’t you taken enough from me? Read More »
I wish I felt good enough. I wish I felt like you cared. I’m sorry that ever went away. I wish I felt like I wasn’t so alone. Like I had someone on my side, helping me find my footing. I wish things didn’t turn to shit when they did. And I wish last night
You, me, your friends, your family…that one person who you think is so epically flawless and put together….Every single one of us struggle. Yes, some more than others, but at times, all of us. No one is immune to it. No one skates through this life without collecting their own set of scars and cuts
We all fall down sometimes Read More »
