Lately, I’ve been finding myself in an interesting predicament. I make no secret about the fact that I don’t like myself, and that I basically hate everything about me….but…what does it mean if your child is exactly like you?
My 5 year old is…well, he’s really something. Over the past year, more and more, he’ll do something that is frustrating or annoying (or really cute and funny) and I’ll just step back and go “holy shit, this child is me”.
Now, I certainly don’t hate my own child, right?
Of course not.
So, why then, am I so intent on hating myself?
There are characteristics that my son has that he shares with me that are not ideal. He’s got my sarcasm, he’s got my snarkiness…my…desire to take the path of least resistance. Shit, he even has my genetic disorder.
It’s funny, because the things about him that irritate me the most are the things that he does that are EXACTLY like me.
And it wasn’t really until I took a step back and realized this that I began accepting it for what it is. These are not things that I can get upset at, or try to change. This is simply who he is…who I am. And I can try to fight against it…Or I can embrace him and love him for all that he is.
Some days, this is a lot easier said than done.
I’ll be honest…there’s few who can get under my skin like my son can. But there is beauty in it too. I have such a deep understanding of him, and of his soul. I understand his intentions and his powerful love and feelings…he makes so much sense to me.
Even if he bugs the shit out of me half of the time.
In the same ways that he is difficult for me, he is also extremely easy. I don’t need to work too hard to meet him where he’s at. I don’t need to sit and question his motives or his reasoning, because oftentimes, it already makes a whole lot of sense to me.
And for all of the things that he does that irritate me…he does more that makes me proud
He is the sweetest, most kind and giving person I’ve ever met. He is so empathetic and genuine and intentional…he has all of the qualities that make a person so amazing. I think he gets those from me too…even if I sometimes view them as a curse instead of a blessing.
This isn’t a lesson in hating him for all of the things I hate about myself. It’s about loving him for exactly who he is, and learning to love myself along the way too.
My 5 year old will always be a challenge for me in all of the best (and sometimes the worst) ways. But he will force me to grow, and he will teach me to love deeper than I knew I could.
I hope that through him, I can learn to love and accept myself too. Because my son is NOT a terrible, awful person undeserving of love.
He is, in fact, quite the opposite.
(And maybe this is where my husband gets a shoutout for having to deal with all of us 🤣 )