The nightmares have returned

Nightmares are nothing new to me. For the majority of my life, I’ve suffered from then at varying intensities. They can be anywhere from a mild annoyance to completely life altering and causing me to be unable to sleep.

It’s actually a big reason why I started drinking. If I drink enough, I don’t remember the nightmares. And I can actually sleep again.

My husband told me that for the past week, I’ve been screaming in my sleep again and he has to shake me to make me stop. I knew I’d been having nightmares again, but I didn’t know it was that bad.

Then, last night, I had a nightmare that seemed to last all night long. No matter how many times I woke up upset from it, when I fell back asleep it just kept going.

It was about my sister (who just left after visiting here for Christmas) and she was torturing and abusing me. Her and I don’t have a good relationship at all and she is a huge part of the trauma I have from growing up.

My parents were defending her and had to go to all of these court dates. She was attacking me and throwing things at me to try to hurt me, kicking me with spiked shoes and bashed my head into a rock.

The weird part was that everyone in my family tried to keep what happened to me a secret. Because I had, in my dream, been drinking when she attacked me, they tried making me feel like it didn’t happen, or that it wasn’t that bad.

Funny, as I write it out, it’s almost exactly what my life was like. My parents would defend or diminish the things that she did to me, or just tell me not to instigate her. Ugh.

So, between the nightmares, the screaming in my sleep, and the baby…Safe to say I’m not getting any sleep right now.

The kids and my husband are still sick and miserable. My parents are officially on their road trip to my uncles funeral and will be gone at least a week with all they need to do.

So I’m on my own with 3 sick and grumpy kids while being sleep deprived and not having taken care of myself at all.

Yes, I’m currently a little bit miserable.

I’m sick of the nightmares, I’m sick of everyone being sick, and now we’re back in normal post holiday mode, which means we’re constrained to the kids therapy schedule. Ugh. I’m just over it all.

I need a break, I need a vacation, and I need a full nights sleep.

At the very least, I wish my sleep could be restful. Nightmares really suck. They leave me feeling with such a deep feeling of badness the next day. That’s how I’m feeling today. Just…drained. And a little broken.

I wish I felt okay. I wish I had the energy to get through the day. That’s life though. Even if I don’t have the energy, I have to do it anyway.

Even when that sucks.