The Saturday before Mother’s Day is knows as Birth Mother’s Day in the adoption community. It became known and recognized in 1990.
“The intent of the day, as created by women who knew what it was to place a baby for adoption, was to honor and support each other as the world around them prepared to celebrate the women who were parenting their children.”
https://adoptionnetwork.com/adoptive-parents/parenting/holidays/celebrating-birth-mothers-day/#
This weekend is a hard for us. Many of us within the birth mom community struggle and have a lot of emotions to work through.
Every adoption story looks different. But every birth mom goes on a similar journey. We end up with empty arms, broken hearts, and a loss that will last a lifetime. Even if the adoption is open, and there is contact, it is still a loss.
My adoption is “closed”, but technically it would be considered semi-open. I’m friends with his parents on Facebook, I get pictures, I text his parents whenever I need to (and they text me when they need to) and I’ve always been able to send gifts on birthdays and holidays.
My birth son just turned 9 last month. And his parents have told me multiple times within the past 6 months that he has expressed a lot of interest in wanting to meet me.
While my sons family has never recognized Birth Mother’s Day, they do usually reach out on Mother’s Day. And if they didn’t, I would be genuinely really upset.
I don’t know what this weekend looks like for me. I don’t know if I’ll hear from my sons parents, if they’ll reach out…and I’ll never know when the moment is that my birth son actually is able to talk to me. I know that’s still up to his parents, regardless of his want. All I know is that “the moment is nearing quickly” ….whatever that means.
Is it tomorrow? Is it on Mother’s Day? Probably not. But I’ll keep it in the back of my head just in case.
But today is Birth Mother’s Day. And it’s a big deal to us in the birth mom community. It’s a day for us to be seen and recognized. We are the part of the triad that gets shunned. We’re easily forgotten or erased, shamed and oftentimes berated.
We are not bad people. We are not the stigma. Making the choice to place a child for adoption isn’t something that comes lightly. It’s a decision that comes purely out of love. That love is there from day 1. It never goes away. It grows with our children.
Anyway, hug a birth mom today (and every day). Celebrate them, make them feel seen and loved and heard. Because I can promise you, she’s hurting this weekend. Regardless of if she has other children she parents.
I parent 3 boys. Yet I still grieve this weekend. I grieve for my son that I placed.
It doesn’t stop. Being a birth mom comes with a lot of emotions. And a lot of grief.
So, go hug a birth mom.
🫂
I read this post on Facebook today and thought of you, so I’ll share it here:
“Not Your Typical Mother’s Day Post:
I’m thinking of you today—
The one who dreads this day but forces a smile so no one feels uncomfortable.
I’m thinking of you today—
The one who’s not with her kids and isn’t sure how she’ll manage.
I’m thinking of you today—
The one who feels guilty for just wanting to be alone.
I’m thinking of you today—
The one who feels like she’s never been cut out of the job.
I’m thinking of you today—
The one who never got the job she wanted so desperately.
I’m thinking of you today—
The one who dreams of talking to her mom one last time,
And the one who wishes her mom would listen for the first time.
I’m thinking of you today—
The one still grieving
The one still waiting
The one still hoping
I’m thinking of you today—
The one who mothers countless people in countless ways.
I’m thinking of you today—
The one who doesn’t ask for much and could use a little love and tenderness.
I’m thinking of you—
The one who wishes to be seen for who she is and all she does.
I’m thinking of you today—
The one who wonders: How will I get through today?
It is early, and everyone in my house is still asleep. I sit in quiet stillness with my cat companion, and I think of you. I am hoping you’ll show up today, so I can throw you this lifeline and let you know you’re not alone.
Perhaps you are thinking of me too.
And because we’ve been thinking of each another, we’ll have an answer to that persistent question: How will I get through this day?
Together
We’ll get through it together.
The source of our pain might be different, but our tears look and feel comfortably familiar; we are not alone.
Our not-so-warm-and-fuzzy Mother’s Day thoughts and feelings do not make us horrible people; they make us human.
What if we think of each other today?
The one who has a hard time on days like these,
The one who’s looking for a glimmer of hope too.
If we look for each other today, perhaps we’ll find it … together.
-Rachel Macy Stafford
🤝Holding space for those who are hurting today. I see you, and I celebrate your courage. My hand in yours. ”
I love that, thanks for sharing. It’s getting to that point in the day where I’m starting to wonder if I’ll hear from my birth sons parents or not…so it was nice to read that and feel a little less alone. 🩵
I love how you post regularly. Keep it up. I do read a lot of your posts but I don’t get a chance to comment. You deserve a hug. This would be quite challenging for me too. <3
Thank you so much 🩵🩵 that means a lot.