Random, late night thoughts. (AKA getting to know me?)

I guess I’m feeling particularly lonely tonight, so I thought I’d share my most random, adhd, late night thoughts with you all. (Because I know you all care so much, right?)

– After 9pm, my entire life just becomes one big ama! (Ask me anything). Seriously. All walls drop, and I just get very comfortable telling. It’s actually….incredibly nice and freeing.

Every single night for these past 2 weeks, when the nights get dark, I look up AA meetings in my area. Like I said, I’m pretty sure I have the list memorized at this point, and I keep pleading with myself to go the following day. But, here we are. And I’ve never been to one. Even though I’m pretty positive it would help.

– I filmed a YouTube video at around 10:30pm last night, after I had all the drinks. It took me 2 takes (I decided I hated the first take halfway through, said “fuck this shit”, and started over) It came out…better than I was expecting, and I honestly don’t hate it. For being as tired and as…alcoholed…? as I was…it’s not awful. So, here’s that link if you’re interested! 😂

– I spill something on myself EVERY time I drink something. Could be water, coffee, alcohol…it doesn’t matter the time of day, it doesn’t matter the beverage. My hands are fucking weak and they suck, and I spill things with a shocking degree of consistency. Evidence of tonight’s occasion below.

I’ve “been with” my therapist longer than I’ve been with my husband. It’s something I joke about often, especially when my husband jokingly asks why I “have to go there” instead of staying home with him. (He’s not serious, he knows it’s important). But she thought I was freaking out of my mind crazy when I met him in July, got engaged in December, and married him in January. Guess I wasn’t TOO crazy, because over 8 years later, I’m still with both of them. 😇

– My best friend is a fucking saint. I love her, I miss her, and I appreciate her. We met in first grade and have never looked back. And that’s all I have to say about that right now.

– I’ve suffered literally every single kind of abuse there is. From my very first memories in childhood, all the way up to present day. Emotional, verbal, physical, sexual…you name it, I’ve been through it. Talk about trauma…am I right? No wonder I turned to addiction.

– I’m making an avocado! I used to loveeee doing things like cross stitching, diamond painting and everything along those lines. But my hands got so bad that I stopped doing all of it. When my husband left to go take care of his dad a few weeks ago, I knew I desperately needed something. So I started cross stitching again, and I discovered something called punch needling! (Which I enjoy, but it hurts my hands sooooooo much.) Anyway, here’s both of those projects. The avocado is the cross stitch, and the other is the punch needle (which I only just heard of).

– I’ve met a lot of amazing friends right here through the blogging community. It started with Ashley…I think a lot of us knew Ashley. I think about her a miss her quite often. And she’s the definition of how suicide doesn’t discriminate. I still think about her basically every single day. A lot of the friends I’ve met here on WordPress talk every single day, both on and off of this platform. And I’ll never minimize the impact it’s had on me. (Special shout out to my friend in the Netherlands, aka my Lesser Buddy) 😊

– I have a turtle who is older than I am.

So, he (she? We actually don’t know) is my older brothers turtle. It’s a box turtle….named Boxer…and he got it when he was young, maybe even before I was born. Anyway, my brother moved out and lives somewhere else now, but his turtle remains. In my room. And he (she) is pretty legit. Boxer is at LEAST 25 years old.

I could keep going with this list for a while, but I won’t bore you with more me.

Thanks for hanging out tonight, and making me feel just a *tiny* but less lonely.

11 thoughts on “Random, late night thoughts. (AKA getting to know me?)”

  1. You did a great job.
    My mantra is write drunk…edit sober. I think that is from Steinbeck?
    I forgot it was Friday…so I’m
    Diving into my 2nd tall pour…cheers

      1. It’s funny how the walls are down and you feel open…as opposed to the other days where I don’t want to share or interact with most people….

      2. I live my entire fucking life shut down with the walls 3 feet thick and 10 feet high. No one is getting in, even if I want them to. After the …6th or 7th drink…it starts feeling bad. And that lonely feeling becomes unmistakable and scary.
        But I agree. Some days, no matter *what* time it is how *how* much I drink…I’d rather be shut down than open and present. I agree there completely, though.

        I’ve just been physically on my own for a while now, and I guess that makes it harder.

    1. Same exact thing here. 3 kids, 2 dogs, and a husband out of town. Not quite the “space” I need…but the evenings sure are deafeningly more silent, and filled with a fuck ton more alcohol.
      Still…I’m TRYING to make better decisions…😞
      This isn’t the “space” that I wanted. Although…it certainly is interesting. I’d rather have my days quiet from the kids and my nights be…slightly less silent

      1. If I may share two of my favorite quotes:
        From Westworld:

        In some circles, the maze is rumored to be the sum of a man’s life. At its center lies a man who has been killed over and over—only to come back to life. To keep out his oppressors, he built the maze.

      2. And definitely this one:

        Night, the beloved. Night, when words fade and things come alive. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree.
        Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

  2. Yes, definitely go to a meeting! It’s fine that you still drink. People are very friendly there and actually joke around a lot.

    I used to always write drunk. I was more uninhibited with getting my emotions on paper. It took me awhile to be that passionate in my writing sober, but it happened. 😉

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