Waiting for the end

Yesterday, Atlas turned 2 years old. And while normally birthdays hold a really heavy weight for me personally, the simultaneous joy and grief that comes with birthdays was vastly overshadowed by another kind of grief yesterday altogether.

Casey, my best girl doggo ever (a Havanese), turned 17 on October 11th. But yesterday morning she had a seizure, and it became clearly evident that we are closer to the end than I’ll ever be comfortable admitting. It was devastating and terrifying, seeing this seemingly invincible dog just experience something she never has before.

She has had some minor health issues these past couple of months, mostly just dental issues and a worsening heart murmur…but nothing (despite her astonishing age) that suggested this conversation needed to be had yet.

She had a second seizure later yesterday evening when my husband was taking her outside, and we knew it was a possibility we’d see more start happening after the first one.

My parents, who Casey has spent all of her life with, even when I went off to college for a few years, are still not back from NY. They will be back Monday afternoon. And when I told my mom what happened yesterday, and how we need to consider it might be time to put her down…she was devastated. And the thought of not being there for Casey when that time came was heartbreaking for her.

She seemed really stable this morning. She took her medicine, she drank, and she even ate a little bit. Her balance seemed good and she seemed relatively normal. She does not seem to be in any pain, or suffering in any way. Right now, she seems comfortable. So I can accept the decision to not take her to the vet until my parents come back, and they can be with her as well.

I won’t let her suffer. I won’t let her endure any pain that I have any say in preventing. Right now, she is stable. And I understand that that may change at any minute.

While I feel badly that I didn’t outwardly and openly acknowledge or celebrate Atlas on his birthday yesterday, I just couldn’t pretend to pour joy into life when I’m staring face to face with death for my first and oldest best four legged friend.

This year has been hell, and there has been a lot of loss. This one will be the worst. But we’re not there yet.

And until we’re there, until that moment comes, I have a job to do. And she will be my priority. Like I have been hers for so many years.