The old me is making a strong push to become the new me, once again. I don’t know how I feel about it. Well, that’s not true. I do know how I feel about it. But I feel very differently about it, depending on what time of day I were to ask myself. I recognize […]
This is a post for accountability. Things have been hard. Obviously. But I’ve been sober. Mostly. I’ve done a job worthy of being insanely proud of. After 15 years of more or less active (alcohol) addiction, I dug myself out, alone, and got myself sober. It was grueling and excruciating. It hurt. Physically, emotionally, and
I don’t want to go backwards Read More »
Here we are at night number…1? Still zero? Two? I honestly don’t know. Last night I decided to take a small, tiny, half of a step to really try getting sober. Again. So I drank half of my usual amount, despite knowing how much it would suck for me. And oh, how it sucked. After
Small steps are still steps Read More »
Here we are. Another day zero. Must be the millionth one. I wasn’t trying today, not in any significant way. But I have been trying for months now. It just feels so unreasonably unattainable. Like, no matter what I do. No matter how hard I try…I will fail. Tonight was a start. Maybe my first
Day 0, but a recommitment. Read More »
This is a hard season, I’m not going to lie. My mind has been messy for a minute now, the trauma of the past year, and really all of it in general, is catching up to me. I’ve been holding on, fighting a winless fight for a long time now. This time of year isn’t
Losing battles, winning wars Read More »
It’s nights like these….where the day was a little bit too long. The triggers were a little bit too triggering. And the thoughts are a little bit too heavy. You’re doing your best…but you know you’re failing. Honesty has been a bit of a struggle for me here lately. Possibly because I’m fighting so hard,
When you want to reach out….but you don’t know how Read More »
I’ve tried to be…stable at best…when it comes to alcohol lately. And for the most part, I’ve succeeded. Keeping it stable. Not increasing. Not allowing the negative emotions or demons or life circumstances to influence my nighttime decision making process. And honestly, the past few months or so? I’ve been killing it. But. But. Something
Awakening the beast Read More »
Last night was quite a different night than I feel like I’ve had in months. For the first time I think since literally September…I didn’t want to drink last night. I made one drink, drank it slower than usual, and just really had no desire for any more. So I didn’t have more. We went
Are the tides turning? Read More »
Failure has this way of compounding on itself. Becoming the biggest thing in the room…when maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t as big as we originally gave it credit for. Right now, my failure is loud. And it’s giving an even louder voice to my insecurities. My insistence on giving up, on giving in. I’ve convinced
The unjust power of failure Read More »
Sometimes…the conversations that hit the hardest are quick, short lived, and completely unexpected. It’s around 10pm. It’s a typical night here, and I’ve made a few drinks according to my specific plan and routine I have for myself. I made a drink, but left it across the room. A few minutes later, I was looking
Real conversations when you need them the most Read More »
