The nights are lonely. The nights are liars. It tells me everything I’m afraid of. The nighttime tells me I deserve the pain. I deserve the suffering. It reminds me in my nightmares. I’m lucky if I go a night without screaming in my sleep, waking at least one person up. Last night I wasn’t […]
What does it mean when I honestly don’t know what’s okay and what isn’t? I know the difference for other people, there is no grey area there. I know how to treat other people, I can clearly see the boundaries for anyone but myself. I have a firm grasp on right and wrong, appropriate or
If it’s not okay for you, why is it for me? Read More »
FUCK. How much no is no enough? I was uncomfortable. I was touched wayyyy too much. For the first time, maybe not really the first time, safe felt very unsafe. I kept trying to get away. I didn’t want to be touched. No part of me. Not my hand, not my foot, definitely not a
Please don’t touch me Read More »
I consider myself to be a relatively easygoing person. (I very well may laugh at this line at any point in the future.) While I say that, I do absolutely thrive with consistency and predictability. I like my routine, I like a plan, I like to plan ahead. It honestly is where I thrive. Week
The unexpected cancel Read More »
I saw your face today. Of course, never in the way I’d most hope to. It’s been a while. Of all the things covid took from the world, it took your precious face from me. Pictures became masked, adventures became nonexistent, birthdays became solitary. I have missed every moment from afar. I’d have missed them
Another hungover morning. Aren’t they all? Maybe I finished my last drink, maybe I passed out before I could. There’s likely at least something left in my glass from the night before. Something strong. Why wouldn’t I drink it? It’s already made. It’s just a little. I’m not actually pouring a drink. It doesn’t really
Therapy. Ugh. What a stupid concept. Sit there and talk about my problems. Bleck. Who even does that? That’s stupid. Why should I pay someone to listen to me? Fuck that. All thoughts I had for years. (Wait for the punchline guys, trust me.) But really….it’s so much more than that. My journey into the
My forever long journey in therapy Read More »
While giving my backstory is indescribably important into the telling of who I am and why…sometimes that’s exhausting. It can be exhausting and traumatic to relive, experience, and think about all of that again. I want to depart from that for just a second here, because this is very, very much also me. Many nights
When depression fucking sucks Read More »
In my senior year of high school, things had pretty much gone to shit. I had decided I was done. The pain was too much, the grief, life had gotten the best of me. I knew I needed help, I knew I wasn’t long for this world if things didn’t change. Simply put, I was
Finding community in unexpected places Read More »
If you missed part 1, you can find that here. It details everything up until this point. So far, we’ve been through an abusive and traumatic home life, multiple surgeries, an (at that time) undiagnosed genetic disorder, and a whole slew of other issues. I’m battling with horrible depression, anxiety, insomnia, ptsd, and surgical recovery,
The road so far… part 2 Read More »