Year 27. A year I’d never thought I’d make it to. To be honest, I’m surprised every year when I turn a year older. It just always feels like an accomplishment, like I survived once again despite the odds being stacked against me. Year 26 was brutal. Most of it life circumstances, some of it […]
I have to see you tomorrow. For the first time since it happened. I didn’t think it would fuck me up this badly. I didn’t think I’d care. I didn’t think it was a big deal. But the contemplation of the lighter in my hand says otherwise. The pull of this bottle of vodka speaks
No matter how much I want to, I’ll never be able to speak the words that my head is screaming. I’ll always be a disappointment. Burdened to carry the weight of the world myself. I need to get this away from me. I need to share the weight of it. This is crushing me, and
Today begins a new journey that I’m not sure I’m ready for, not sure I ever will be ready for. By now, I’m sure you’ve learned a few things about me. I have a significant amount of trauma and unresolved pain in my life. My childhood wasn’t a walk in the park, I’ve been in
Today begins a New Journey Read More »
The last drink of the night. At least it should be. The thoughts are creeping in. I know if I close my eyes, they’ll invade completely. Finishing this drink, topping it off, makes the thoughts stop. I can’t ever fall asleep. Can’t close my eyes. Finishing this drink will ensure the choice is no longer
Passing out is easier Read More »
I couldn’t talk about it. I don’t know how to. I can answer questions, but even that is clumsy and hesitant. I don’t know which way to go here. This isn’t something that’s going to go away. This isn’t a person that I can avoid. My go to response is to ignore and avoid. This
I feel used. I feel unsteady, I feel forgotten. Anxiety has taken its roots. The voices that scream I’m unworthy, unlovable, unnecessary. The voice that’s louder than any other. What’s the point in feeling if there’s there’s no where to go but down? What is the point in talking if all you are is wrong?
A fight. A disagreement. An argument. Tension. It doesn’t matter why. I’m not getting what I need, neither is he. He doesn’t know my half of it though, he doesn’t know what happened. I’d never be strong enough to tell him. I can feel where this is going. This is an all too familiar feeling.
I have a bad feeling about tonight. All day I’ve felt a certain sense of disconnect. Alone, isolated, panicked. It will be a night of bad choices, I can feel it from now. I could feel it brewing since last night. Drinking feels like the only way to ease this anxiety. I need love, a
Feeling disconnected Read More »
It’s been over a week since I’ve been to therapy, a vast difference from my typical twice a week schedule. I like it when things make sense, when I can be prepared, and when I more or less know what’s coming. I thought that would be the case going into Monday. Honestly, I thought I’d
