Sometimes, something happens in your life that is so big, so painful, so thought consuming…whatever it is, it’s huge. To you, it feels like everything.
It could be an anniversary, a traumatic event, a breakup, a loss, whatever it is, to you, it’s everything.
It feels like the biggest thing in the world. When it causes so much pain that you don’t even know how to take your next breath.
When it hurts so badly, when it consumes so much of you that you just don’t understand how the rest of the world can possibly keep going. How can I feel so much pain while the earth just…keeps on spinning? How does everyone around me not get this? How are they not feeling the weight of this like I am?
I have felt like this a lot. This feeling has become familiar. It usually always takes place in April, surrounding the events of my birth sons birthday. The pain of that…shit. That’s truly just unbearable. I literally can not fathom how the world can go on when I feel such pain. When time feels frozen for me.
I feel like that again now. I feel angry that everyone else is living their lives so seemingly peacefully and easily, when this huge freaking thing happened to me. My near every thought is consumed with it, I’m on edge, I’m confused, hurt, angry…I’m all of it.
How can everyone else be so okay when I’m so… broken?
It doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t seem fair. How dare you smile so real when my insides are burning up?
But that isn’t fair, is it. It didn’t happen to them. Shit, they don’t even know. Of course their world is still spinning.
Nothing has thrown it off course. We aren’t living the same world. Our pain is not the same.
We all feel things differently. We all handle pain, grief, whatever it is…it doesn’t look the same on any one person. What’s a big deal to you might not be to someone else, and what is a big deal to someone, just plain old might not even make sense to someone else.
No two people are alike, and no two people experience the world, and their reactions to it, in the same exact way.
My world stops spinning every year during March and April. My world has stopped spinning right now. It’s fucking brutal. I feel angry and cold and so fucking lost and broken. But it isn’t fair of me to assume that your world should stop along with mine.
It’s not your burden to bare, especially if you don’t even know about it. It’s unfair of me to want you to assume my pain.
But on the other hand…if you know my pain, if you’re aware of my struggle, if you know I’m gasping for air and my world is frozen in time…I know yours isn’t, but try to join me in mine. Just for a moment. Try to understand the immeasurable pain I must be feeling. I guarantee you, just the effort of a connection on your end will make all the difference.
After all…one day it may be your world that stops spinning. And I’ll absolutely meet you on your level. I know all too much how hard that is to fight alone.