Tomorrow evening, I will once again have to face the person who sexually assaulted me a few weeks ago. Due to the nature of who this person is, it is impossible to simply remove myself from their life, from their presence. It is an ongoing situation that I am still desperately trying to find safety in.
Before the events of that night a few weeks ago took place, I had a conversation with my husband where I told him that I was beginning to feel very uncomfortable around this person. I had asked him to not leave me alone that night and to stay with me, because I feared what was going to happen… and it in fact did happen.
There is a lot of anger, or maybe not anger… I don’t know. I have a lot of big feelings about it that I’m not sure how to process yet. There is definitely a level of hurt there. I knew I was feeling afraid, and when I asked him to not leave me alone, I meant it literally. He is not a person who takes “literally” very well unless it’s spelled out for him. I really can’t blame him, this isn’t his fault at all.
But it does make me question, just a bit, how much I can count on him to truly protect me from this. I still haven’t told him what happened, and to be honest, I really don’t think I’m ready. But I will need him tomorrow. So there needs to be some level of conversation.
I wish I could feel safe. I absolutely..with all of my being, HATE that I am in this position. That I am forced to be near this person. The night was designed by him, planned by him, all so he could get close to me. I know this, I’m aware of it. And still, there is no way out of it.
I thought I did the right thing the other week. I was very uncomfortable, he was already inappropriately touching me in a public area right in front of everyone else, so I left and went into my house. Into my space, where I thought I was escaping the danger and entering safety.
But I was wrong, and instead of leaving the danger, I unknowingly placed myself in more danger. What I thought was the right move, well, really all that did was put me in a house, alone. My bathroom, no less. It gave him an opportunity to follow me and “be alone” with me. It just never crossed my mind that he would do something like that.
So, that brings me to my point. I’ve already had a conversation with my husband that I felt uncomfortable around this person and to please stay right next to me all night. That didn’t go as planned. I attempted to reach safety by leaving the situation…that didn’t work either.
I don’t know what to do to keep myself safe tomorrow night, to keep this from happening again. The level of panic surrounding the situation is just…it’s getting hard to manage. I know I’m strong, (at least I claim to be) but I can not handle this happening again. I’ve yet to even begin to process the assault that already took place. No one is strong enough, no one should have to be strong enough to deal with that.
I will attempt a safe level of honesty tonight with my husband. I want him to know that I feel unsafe, and I need him to help me. But I do have a lot of fear that even talking to him about it won’t fully protect me, because it didn’t last time. Tomorrow evening is terrifying for me, and I am sick to my stomach dreading it.
No one should ever feel this way. I need to figure out how to keep myself safe. I got it wrong last time, and I can’t make that mistake again.