I’m struggling right now. I’m fighting to be okay, I’m trying to be strong, to be solid…to just be okay. But I’m failing. I’m questioning everything. My soul is screaming to just be done. I’ve been strong long enough, but I’m not strong enough for this. I’ve used it all up. My days consist of […]
He asks me what I want, but I don’t want anything. He wants me to tell him what would make me happy, but I don’t know what that is. I just don’t care anymore. I can feel his love tonight. He even came home an hour early to give me somewhat of a break. He
I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to write about it, and I don’t want to think about it. But I guess I’m going to have to. Last night was awful. I’m a pretty private person. I don’t share my struggles or emotions (other than writing or blogging about it here). But
I didn’t mean to ruin it Read More »
Therapy was fine. It was good. I almost felt things. The issue came when a half hour before it was over, my husband texted me. He had a headache before I left, but it was small. 2 hours later, it had developed into “severe”. We all know what that means. My worst nights are the
She told me not to write, so I’m not going to. Read More »
Every day seems to start the same lately. Wake up at 5, after maybe having gotten 4 hours of sleep. Have coffee and spend time with my husband for an hour before he leaves for work. Have more coffee at 6, trying to absorb every quiet, peaceful moment to myself. The closer it comes to
The dreaded mornings Read More »
You’d think after ALL of the years I’ve been in therapy, I’d be a bit better at talking by now. But once again, I’m blantanly reminded that it is by no means my strong suit. In therapy, over the past few weeks, we’ve been working a bit more specifically on saying certain things out loud…but
If talking is hard, keep writing Read More »
Loss. It’s the only thing that we really can’t convince ourselves doesn’t exist, that it isn’t real. Pain can be subjective. We can downplay it, ignore it, tell ourselves that “its not that bad”, or even “well, maybe it just didn’t even happen”. We can doubt our feelings, our experiences, or listen to the words
Tonight you won. Really, your battle began this morning. I’m wiped, I’m exhausted, and I’m hurt. So this will be short. I struggle to defeat you. It feels laughable to even consider it a possibility. Defeat may not, may never be a choice…..but perhaps an occasional victory could be? Tomorrow I’ll face the physical demons
Dear alcohol and the one who thinks he owns me, Read More »
Another night, alone in the dark with nothing but my thoughts and a full glass. It was a night of heavy emotions from the start. Anxiety sparked the evening. Love attempted healed it. But then it ignited once again, full force this time. Threatened with the possibility of an evening alone while he sleeps…of spending
Without anger, anxiety quickly turns to sadness. Read More »
Tolerance is a funny thing with many different meanings and uses. Usually, tolerance is a good thing. Our ability to withstand a situation or experience. How patient we may be, how much we can accept, put up with…how long until we crack. Like I said, it’s usually the desired effect. Then there’s the other side.
As tolerance increases, tolerance decreases. Read More »
