If talking is hard, keep writing

You’d think after ALL of the years I’ve been in therapy, I’d be a bit better at talking by now. But once again, I’m blantanly reminded that it is by no means my strong suit.

In therapy, over the past few weeks, we’ve been working a bit more specifically on saying certain things out loud…but like, with emotion. (gross).

Guys…oh boy. I think I had the most awkward 2 hours of my life on Friday. Trying to actually say words out loud that I’ve written….in a non sarcastic way?

….it did not go well. I seriously felt a bit bad for my therapist having to watch me struggle like that. 😂

I just can not connect any sort of emotion to the words, and I don’t know why. The things I’m trying to say are true, but saying them feels so weird and uncomfortable.

I’m clearly not able to say these things yet, but I’m trying a bit harder to write about them more effectively.

Writing has always been easier. It’s always been easier to write how I feel rather than speak it. I don’t know why there’s such a drastic difference, but it isn’t something I like.

I want to be able to control how I feel, or maybe that’s an oxymoron in it of itself.

I’m trying so hard to actually be able to feel things lately. I mean, it’s either feel them, or lock them in a closet and pretend that they don’t exist, only to have them jump out and me and destroy me when it’s rather inconvenient.

I honestly don’t know how to be better at this. I’ve been in therapy with her for over 6 years now, and I’ve never been good at this. I’ve never cried in therapy, never allowed myself to feel…

It isn’t just in therapy. It’s everywhere. People comment all the time that I don’t show emotion. Everyone knows I feel it, but I guess I just don’t know what to do with it. I’ve been taught to stuff my emotions down and not show it, not talk about it, for my entire life. I guess it just became the only thing I knew how to do after a while.

So much of my therapy has been me writing something and showing it to her. If something is going on that I need to talk about, I’ll just give her something I’ve written, rather than tell her about it. That way she knows, but I don’t actually have to say it.

I genuinely want to be better at this part of it…ya know, the talking part. I’m frustrated. I just want to do better…I want to feel better.

For now, I guess I’ll just keep writing, keep trying to figure it out. At least I figure things out that way sometimes….

I like writing. I’m good at it. But I need to be good at talking and expressing myself verbally, as well. Because I’m just not doing great right now, and I need things to be better.

And maybe this is how I start healing…even if just a little.